AHMED
The time is nigh! The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign and we may move about the cabin! Now, Sayed, we will retrieve our carry-on luggage from the compartment above us, take out our detonators and explode our gunpowder-filled pants, blowing these infidels to kingdom come! Death to America!
SAYED
Yes! Death to America!
AHMED
Death to America!
STEWARDESS
Something to drink?
SAYED
Yes. Could I have some cran-apple juice with a splash of seltzer please?
AHMED
…
SAYED
Sorry, is it my turn again? Death to America!
AHMED
Sayed, what are you doing? We are supposed to be exploding the plane right now!
SAYED
But I just started drinking my juice.
AHMED
Forget the juice! We are here to die in a glorious rain of fire!
SAYED
We can die in a fire rain right now, after you were snippy with me, or we can wait five minutes, and right now I can spend my last earthly moments enjoying the perfect balance of tart cranberry and sweet apple juice, leaving the glorious blend of flavors on my tongue as I ascend to heaven. I only ever get this stuff on planes for some reason.
Ahmed watches Sayed savor his drink. He stands up abruptly.
AHMED
Miss! Could I get some juice please?
STEWARDESS
Of course, sir. What kind?
AHMED
Cran-apple.
SAYED
With a splash of seltzer.
AHMED
With a splash of seltzer.
The stewardess hands Ahmed his drink.
AHMED
Hmm. You’re right about the seltzer. I like the bubbles.
They drink their juice.
AHMED
All right, Sayed. We’ve had our final juice. Are you ready to rain fear upon the land of the infidels?
SAYED
Hold on, there’s an ice cube stuck to the bottom of the cup.
AHMED
Sayed!
SAYED
All right, all right, fine. Let’s do this thing.
They start to get up. The Fasten Seatbelt sign dings on.
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re now about an hour from our destination–
SAYED
What? That’s way before landing! Why must we sit?
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
–and as per the TSA’s new antiterrorism regs, all passengers will be restricted to their seats for the remainder of the flight.
AHMED
That’s all right, I also put some backup detonators in the luggage under our seats. We’ll just put them in our laps and—
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
You also can’t have anything in your laps.
AHMED
Good thing I disguised it as a book.
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
Not even a book.
SAYED
Curses! It’s like the TSA knew that terrorists’ fondness for juice always leads them to delay their attacks until the last hour of the flight. If only we had attacked earlier!
The TSA’s new rules governing the last hour of international flights foil Ahmed and Sayed the procrastinating terrorists
AHMED
The time is nigh! The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign and we may move about the cabin! Now, Sayed, we will retrieve our carry-on luggage from the compartment above us, take out our detonators and explode our gunpowder-filled pants, blowing these infidels to kingdom come! Death to America!
SAYED
Yes! Death to America!
AHMED
Death to America!
STEWARDESS
Something to drink?
SAYED
Yes. Could I have some cran-apple juice with a splash of seltzer please?
AHMED
…
SAYED
Sorry, is it my turn again? Death to America!
AHMED
Sayed, what are you doing? We are supposed to be exploding the plane right now!
SAYED
But I just started drinking my juice.
AHMED
Forget the juice! We are here to die in a glorious rain of fire!
SAYED
We can die in a fire rain right now, after you were snippy with me, or we can wait five minutes, and right now I can spend my last earthly moments enjoying the perfect balance of tart cranberry and sweet apple juice, leaving the glorious blend of flavors on my tongue as I ascend to heaven. I only ever get this stuff on planes for some reason.
Ahmed watches Sayed savor his drink. He stands up abruptly.
AHMED
Miss! Could I get some juice please?
STEWARDESS
Of course, sir. What kind?
AHMED
Cran-apple.
SAYED
With a splash of seltzer.
AHMED
With a splash of seltzer.
The stewardess hands Ahmed his drink.
AHMED
Hmm. You’re right about the seltzer. I like the bubbles.
They drink their juice.
AHMED
All right, Sayed. We’ve had our final juice. Are you ready to rain fear upon the land of the infidels?
SAYED
Hold on, there’s an ice cube stuck to the bottom of the cup.
AHMED
Sayed!
SAYED
All right, all right, fine. Let’s do this thing.
They start to get up. The Fasten Seatbelt sign dings on.
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re now about an hour from our destination–
SAYED
What? That’s way before landing! Why must we sit?
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
–and as per the TSA’s new antiterrorism regs, all passengers will be restricted to their seats for the remainder of the flight.
AHMED
That’s all right, I also put some backup detonators in the luggage under our seats. We’ll just put them in our laps and—
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
You also can’t have anything in your laps.
AHMED
Good thing I disguised it as a book.
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
Not even a book.
SAYED
Curses! It’s like the TSA knew that terrorists’ fondness for juice always leads them to delay their attacks until the last hour of the flight. If only we had attacked earlier!
AHMED
But then we wouldn’t have gotten our juice.
SAYED
Yeah. Totally worth it.
They high five.