So because of Twilight, today’s teenage girls are obsessed with vampire novels. A lot of adults mock this trend, because before our twentieth birthdays, we lost the part of our brains that lets us sigh over a male character continually described as impossibly lithe and graceful, with topaz eyes and bronze hair, instead of picturing said character as a cross between Carrot Top and a jaundiced ballerina.
But I have no problem with vampire romances. In fact, this is a gravy train I want to get onboard. All I have to do is find a new angle on glamorous dead teenagers and I’ll get a book deal. But finding a new angle turns out to be hard. The market is pretty saturated. There are already three series of vampire prep school novels, a vampire-in-LA novel, and an Upper-East-Side-vampire series, and a vampire circus series. There was even a vampire procedural TV show. But I had an idea for the best series of vampire novels ever. Ready?
Vampire Beach.
This idea has everything going for it. Sexy vampires, an exotic location, an inherent tension between the vampires and the lifeguards who are like “You can’t swim at night, we’re not insured for that,” but that stands in the way of the vampires’ moonbathing and drinking dolphin blood and it turns into an epic war between ripped, sun-bronzed lifeguards who rule the beach during the day and the pale, lithe, bronze-haired vampires who take over when the sun goes down, and then a vampire falls in love with a lifeguard. Coming to a young adult section near you: RED TIDE, by Melinda Taub.
This idea has everything: sexy lifeguards, sexy vampires, dolphins in peril, and it’s so ridiculous that no one could possibly have thought of it already. There’s only one problem: somebody thought of it already.
Are you kidding me?
Anyway, I’m a pro. I bring lots of great ideas to the table. Here are some more vampire novel pitches that definitely haven’t been done. Yet. I don’t think.
Vampire Vail: just like the beach one except it takes place at the ski slopes. Subtract lifeguards, replace with ski instructors, boom, done. And the vampires would be extra sexy because they don’t get cold, so while everyone else is bundled up in parkas they could ski in the designer suits that vampires usually wear.
Vamp Slope: Follows a group of New York vampires who are attractive, stylish, and rich, but not quite rich enough to live in Manhattan. They haunt the streets of Brooklyn, sucking the blood only of those who live within 100 miles of them, for though they might be evil they are passionate members of the local blood movement.
Vampwarts: What if there was a school for wizards… who were also vampires? What, that is, besides an unkillable monster hybrid children’s book series that would break all sales records?
I thought of one more, but to be honest I like it’s so good I might try to write it for real, so I don’t think I’ll make fun of it here.
My pitches for new teen vampire romance novels
So because of Twilight, today’s teenage girls are obsessed with vampire novels. A lot of adults mock this trend, because before our twentieth birthdays, we lost the part of our brains that lets us sigh over a male character continually described as impossibly lithe and graceful, with topaz eyes and bronze hair, instead of picturing said character as a cross between Carrot Top and a jaundiced ballerina.
But I have no problem with vampire romances. In fact, this is a gravy train I want to get onboard. All I have to do is find a new angle on glamorous dead teenagers and I’ll get a book deal. But finding a new angle turns out to be hard. The market is pretty saturated. There are already three series of vampire prep school novels, a vampire-in-LA novel, and an Upper-East-Side-vampire series, and a vampire circus series. There was even a vampire procedural TV show. But I had an idea for the best series of vampire novels ever. Ready?
Vampire Beach.
This idea has everything going for it. Sexy vampires, an exotic location, an inherent tension between the vampires and the lifeguards who are like “You can’t swim at night, we’re not insured for that,” but that stands in the way of the vampires’ moonbathing and drinking dolphin blood and it turns into an epic war between ripped, sun-bronzed lifeguards who rule the beach during the day and the pale, lithe, bronze-haired vampires who take over when the sun goes down, and then a vampire falls in love with a lifeguard. Coming to a young adult section near you: RED TIDE, by Melinda Taub.
This idea has everything: sexy lifeguards, sexy vampires, dolphins in peril, and it’s so ridiculous that no one could possibly have thought of it already. There’s only one problem: somebody thought of it already.
Are you kidding me?
Anyway, I’m a pro. I bring lots of great ideas to the table. Here are some more vampire novel pitches that definitely haven’t been done. Yet. I don’t think.
Vampire Vail: just like the beach one except it takes place at the ski slopes. Subtract lifeguards, replace with ski instructors, boom, done. And the vampires would be extra sexy because they don’t get cold, so while everyone else is bundled up in parkas they could ski in the designer suits that vampires usually wear.
Vamp Slope: Follows a group of New York vampires who are attractive, stylish, and rich, but not quite rich enough to live in Manhattan. They haunt the streets of Brooklyn, sucking the blood only of those who live within 100 miles of them, for though they might be evil they are passionate members of the local blood movement.
Vampwarts: What if there was a school for wizards… who were also vampires? What, that is, besides an unkillable monster hybrid children’s book series that would break all sales records?
I thought of one more, but to be honest I like it’s so good I might try to write it for real, so I don’t think I’ll make fun of it here.