NEW YORK, NY – The neighborhood of Williamsburg is celebrating the opening of Douglas Ross Memorial Hospital, a new medical facility serving its community.
The hospital, named for George Clooney’s character on ER, opened its doors today.
“Oh yeah, it’s gonna be awesome. We’re totally going to treat people here,” said Chief of Medicine and founder James Fisk, 28. “We really want to get the details right, so we’re, like, gonna sew them up. And give them medicine. Oh my God, yes!”
He turned to head nurse Lizzy Kirk. “Lizzy, we should totally get some medicine for this place. That would be rad.”
Kirk, a longtime friend of Fisk’s, said that opening the facility is a lifelong dream of his.
“Jimmy’s always been mad into hospitals,” she said. “He was always the guy at the party in some cool vintage scrubs. And he has this hilarious video of a botched triple bypass that he screens on his roof during the summer. We all shout things and throw chicken hearts at the screen.
“He even went to medical school,” she added.
Kirk, who holds a degree in Pacific Islander Studies from Wesleyan University and has never studied nursing, then excused herself to make her rounds.
Reaction from the facility’s first patients was mixed.
“That little nurse with the My Little Pony tattoo was nice,” said Saul Braunstein, 67. “She said ‘Nurse Lizzy and her Burlesque Boo-boos are gonna make you feel all better,’ and she and her friends did a little dance that was both old-fashioned and sexy, and gave me this oversized novelty band-aid and a lollipop.”
“I like this hospital,” said Braunstein, continuing to bleed profusely from a large open head wound.
Marty Lanagan, 43, disagreed. “When I got to the front desk the receptionist said ‘Ew,’ and tried to make me leave. I managed to get in by lying and pretending I left my fedora at home. Also, she was wearing torn leggings instead of scrubs pants, which doesn’t seem sanitary.”
Lanagan said his medical care was also substandard. “I came in to get this removed,” he said, pointing to a large growth on his eye. “But when [Doctor Kirk] saw it, he just got all excited and said ‘Dude, adult retinoblastoma! That’s so rare! Why would you want to get rid of that?’ and wouldn’t do anything.”
Kirk admitted that he had refused treatment to Mr. Lanagan but pointed out that he had taken a polaroid of Mr. Lanagan’s eye and pinned it to the hospital’s Bulletin Board of Awesome Cancers, which, he said, entitles Mr. Lanagan to free drinks from any of Ross Memorial’s rollerskating shot boys.
“I wouldn’t exactly call that ‘doing nothing,’” he said.
Kelsey Angstrom, 25, a longtime patient of Dr. Kirk’s, believes that such criticism stems from a lack of understanding of Kirk’s medical vision.
“I’ve been into Dr. Kirk since back when he was just running a clinic out of a bar in the East Village on Thursday nights,” she said. “Back then you could only get an appointment if you knew somebody, but now everybody in town’s like, ‘Oh, I’m sick, I need to go to the doctor.’ But not everybody gets him, especially if they take the whole medicine thing so seriously.”
Angstrom said Dr. Kirk has been providing her with excellent care for years.
“I was his very first appendectomy,” she said, proudly showing off a surgical scar in the shape of the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Boy.
Local non-ironic medical facilities expressed both cautious enthusiasm and reservations about the new hospital.
“God knows New York City is always underserved medically,” said Andrew Kelleher, Chief of Medicine at Brooklyn’s New York Methodist Hospital. “We certainly welcome more doctors serving our community. They sound somewhat unorthodox, though. I just hope their Board of Directors is monitoring the facility closely to ensure a high quality of care.”
Ross Memorial’s Board of Directors, which consists of DJ trio The MisShapes, responded to Kelleher’s remarks with a remix of the St. Elsewhere theme song.
Pioneering Hipster Doctors Open World’s First Ironic Hospital
NEW YORK, NY – The neighborhood of Williamsburg is celebrating the opening of Douglas Ross Memorial Hospital, a new medical facility serving its community.
The hospital, named for George Clooney’s character on ER, opened its doors today.
“Oh yeah, it’s gonna be awesome. We’re totally going to treat people here,” said Chief of Medicine and founder James Fisk, 28. “We really want to get the details right, so we’re, like, gonna sew them up. And give them medicine. Oh my God, yes!”
He turned to head nurse Lizzy Kirk. “Lizzy, we should totally get some medicine for this place. That would be rad.”
Kirk, a longtime friend of Fisk’s, said that opening the facility is a lifelong dream of his.
“Jimmy’s always been mad into hospitals,” she said. “He was always the guy at the party in some cool vintage scrubs. And he has this hilarious video of a botched triple bypass that he screens on his roof during the summer. We all shout things and throw chicken hearts at the screen.
“He even went to medical school,” she added.
Kirk, who holds a degree in Pacific Islander Studies from Wesleyan University and has never studied nursing, then excused herself to make her rounds.
Reaction from the facility’s first patients was mixed.
“That little nurse with the My Little Pony tattoo was nice,” said Saul Braunstein, 67. “She said ‘Nurse Lizzy and her Burlesque Boo-boos are gonna make you feel all better,’ and she and her friends did a little dance that was both old-fashioned and sexy, and gave me this oversized novelty band-aid and a lollipop.”
“I like this hospital,” said Braunstein, continuing to bleed profusely from a large open head wound.
Marty Lanagan, 43, disagreed. “When I got to the front desk the receptionist said ‘Ew,’ and tried to make me leave. I managed to get in by lying and pretending I left my fedora at home. Also, she was wearing torn leggings instead of scrubs pants, which doesn’t seem sanitary.”
Lanagan said his medical care was also substandard. “I came in to get this removed,” he said, pointing to a large growth on his eye. “But when [Doctor Kirk] saw it, he just got all excited and said ‘Dude, adult retinoblastoma! That’s so rare! Why would you want to get rid of that?’ and wouldn’t do anything.”
Kirk admitted that he had refused treatment to Mr. Lanagan but pointed out that he had taken a polaroid of Mr. Lanagan’s eye and pinned it to the hospital’s Bulletin Board of Awesome Cancers, which, he said, entitles Mr. Lanagan to free drinks from any of Ross Memorial’s rollerskating shot boys.
“I wouldn’t exactly call that ‘doing nothing,’” he said.
Kelsey Angstrom, 25, a longtime patient of Dr. Kirk’s, believes that such criticism stems from a lack of understanding of Kirk’s medical vision.
“I’ve been into Dr. Kirk since back when he was just running a clinic out of a bar in the East Village on Thursday nights,” she said. “Back then you could only get an appointment if you knew somebody, but now everybody in town’s like, ‘Oh, I’m sick, I need to go to the doctor.’ But not everybody gets him, especially if they take the whole medicine thing so seriously.”
Angstrom said Dr. Kirk has been providing her with excellent care for years.
“I was his very first appendectomy,” she said, proudly showing off a surgical scar in the shape of the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Boy.
Local non-ironic medical facilities expressed both cautious enthusiasm and reservations about the new hospital.
“God knows New York City is always underserved medically,” said Andrew Kelleher, Chief of Medicine at Brooklyn’s New York Methodist Hospital. “We certainly welcome more doctors serving our community. They sound somewhat unorthodox, though. I just hope their Board of Directors is monitoring the facility closely to ensure a high quality of care.”
Ross Memorial’s Board of Directors, which consists of DJ trio The MisShapes, responded to Kelleher’s remarks with a remix of the St. Elsewhere theme song.