You probably know that Obama’s healthcare address was heckled last night by Congressman Joe Wilson (R-SC). What you may not know is that Congressman Joe Wilson has a long history of telling it like it is, even if the “man” doesn’t want to hear it. For example:
1. Congressman Joe Wilson’s mother tells him there is no Santa Claus
In 2007, popular medical drama “House” introduced a new character. His name is Dr. Taub. Here is a scene I have written for him.
NURSE
Dr. Taub, the patient’s crashing! What should we do?
DR. TAUB
What did you call me?
NURSE
Um… Dr. Taub? That’s your name, right?
DR. TAUB
It is! And you pronounced it correctly! Tow-b. Most people assume it’s pronounced Tobb. They are wrong.
NURSE
This man is going to die.
DR. FOREMAN
Come on, Taub, get a move on! We need to diagnose lupus for a little while!
DR. TAUB
You pronounced it right, too! Come to think of it, everyone in this hospital says my name right, even if they’ve never met me before. I must be the only Taub in America who gets to experience that.
DR. FOREMAN
So we said your name right. Big deal.
DR. TAUB
I’m sure it would seem that way to someone who doesn’t have this name. They wouldn’t understand that hearing it pronounced correctly is so surprising that it breaks the fourth wall.
DR. FOREMAN
What fourth wall?
PATIENT
Look! I have another symptom!
DR. TAUB
It would be great if there were a character on a major network television show with my name. That way the viewing public would be educated about the correct pronunciation and people would stop saying it wrong again and again and again and again every day forever.
DR. FOREMAN
But what if there was such a character and even people who you knew were faithful fans of the show, and who pronounced the character’s name correctly, still pronounced it wrong when talking about you?
DR. TAUB
Why would they do that to me?
According to The Comics’ Comic they won’t be back for the new season.
Sad but hardly surprising. SNL is pretty brutal about chucking people. I thought it was funny this week when the blogosphere was getting so excited after the announced hiring of Nasim Pedrad and Jenny Slate. “SNL is going to have six women this year!” Well, no. SNL has its own “summer of death” almost every year, and sure enough, turns out ‘09 is no exception.
I’m sad it’s Wilson, though. I know I’m in the minority but I liked her. Abby Elliott was the one who really was floundering, if you ask me. Maybe Lorne Michaels sees some Karate Kid-like potential in her that the rest of us can’t? And she’s spending this summer in an extended comedy training montage, ready to wow us come fall.
Another note: Chicago must feel pretty sorry for itself these days. The Upright Citizens Brigade seems to have completely replaced Second City as the the SNL farm team.
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Nikkei Directives
People, as anyone knows who’s hit Bloomberg this morning, we’ve got trouble in the Japanese markets. Keep an eye on any and all trades over there today, especially high-frequency moves in grain and gold. Things are bound to be volatile since last night’s mergers.
Fred
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Nikkei Directives
Fo’ shizzle, my nizzle, the Nikkei is wack this mizzorning. Ain’t just grain and gold though. Crude oil and corn futures be illin’ on the Singapore and Hong Kong exchanges. We hedge this right, we can lay the smackdown on those suckas over at Goldman Sachs and Deutche Bank. Holla!
Holla,
Arthur Ruthenbizzle
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Shizzle etc
Art, is everything all right?
Fred
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Death, the Lord of Darkness and Destroyer of Worlds, is spending the summer touring the homes of his favorite celebrities.
“I usually get out to Hollywood a few times a year,” the king of Hades told reporters from the top of a double decker tour bus. “And every time I come out here, it’s like, man, I really need to spend more time here, you know? But in my line of business I kind of have to go where the work takes me. Then this summer I figured, fuck it, I’m doing something for me.”
“Ooh! Is that Mel Gibson?” Death asked, leaning out of the bus with his camera and accidentally reaping several tourists.
So I tend to doodle a lot while I’m writing. Since I didn’t write anything bloggish today, here are my doodles instead.
NEW YORK, NY – The neighborhood of Williamsburg is celebrating the opening of Douglas Ross Memorial Hospital, a new medical facility serving its community.
The hospital, named for George Clooney’s character on ER, opened its doors today.
“Oh yeah, it’s gonna be awesome. We’re totally going to treat people here,” said Chief of Medicine and founder James Fisk, 28. “We really want to get the details right, so we’re, like, gonna sew them up. And give them medicine. Oh my God, yes!”
He turned to head nurse Lizzy Kirk. “Lizzy, we should totally get some medicine for this place. That would be rad.”
SCENE: HEAVEN, THE DAWN OF CREATION.
GOD
Okay, monotheistic religions. On the count of three, everybody claim what your clergy will have to give up in My name. One–two–
ISLAM
Pork!
JUDAISM
Pork!
ISLAM
Jinx! Buy me a coke.
ZOROASTRIANISM
Viability in a post-industrial world!
Judaism buys Islam a coke.
ISLAM
Ahh. Thanks. No hard feelings, right?
GOD
Okay, Judaism, your clergy will give up eating the flesh of a single specific mammal. Islam, ditto. Hmm, the only thing unclaimed on my list is–
CATHOLICISM
Sorry I’m late, guys. What are we doing?
Dear Professor Taub,
Greetings on this, the third occasion when you have made a gift of my biography, Rosalind Franklin: Dark lady of DNA, to your daughter. I am very flattered. However, I feel the time has come for me to inform you that the story of my groundbreaking x-ray crystallography, while it contributed invaluably to the discovery of the double helix, will never inspire your daughter to become a chemistry professor.
Excerpts from what seems to be a very popular travel guide to New York City
Welcome to New York City! Or the “Big Apple,” as the locals call it. You should call it that too, a lot.
New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world. Look around you. How many different kinds of ethnics can you see? Count them off. Out loud! Don’t forget to point out which ones you have in your hometown and which ones you do not. Not sure what that guy in the turban is? Ask!
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