ME
I want to run three miles today!
MY HANGOVER
I want you to lie on the couch.
ME
Okay.
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I am having an argument
Uh oh, Jenny Slate!
Dropping the F bomb your very first week on SNL? Tsk tsk.
Hope they let you stick around long enough to learn that TV = Williamsburg TV does not equal Williamsburg.
An extended scene from Return of the Jedi
LUKE
You’re wrong, Leia. You have that power too. In time you’ll learn to use it as I have. The Force is strong in my family. My father has it… I have it… and… my sister has it.
Leia stares into his eyes. What she sees there frightens her. But she doesn’t draw away. She begins to understand.
LUKE
Yes. It’s you, Leia.
LEIA
I know. Somehow… I’ve always kno — wait, what? We’re brother and
sister?
LUKE
Uh huh. Then you know why I have to face Vader to –
LEIA
Yeah, put a pin in that. Right now we’re going to need to discuss the fact that you and I are BROTHER and SISTER.
LUKE
Now’s not really the time, I kind of have to go save the galaxy –
LEIA
WE MADE OUT.
The New York Times has some important information to share about family-run amusement parks
The New York Times front page would like you to know: Family-Run Amusement Parks Surviving. “Sure, that is definitely red-hot, front-page-worthy news,” you’re thinking, if you’ve forgotten that the New York Times and Family Amusement Park Quarterly are different publications. I find it a little odd. I’m not the first to point out their tendency to be weird in their foreign coverage, but their local stories have even less excuse, since they live here. This is the paper of record, bringing me news I need to know? How is this news? What they’re telling me is that everything is the same, neither better nor worse, as the last time I thought about family-run amusement parks, which was never, because I don’t care about them. Hey New York Times, here are some other headlines for red-hot scoops you should look into.
Squirrels Neither Becoming Extinct Nor Developing Superintelligence
Politicians Meet to Discuss Where to Have Lunch
Beets Still Legal
Doctors: Illness is Hazardous to Health
Trains Running
Strength and Direction of Gravity Unchanged
New Jersey
Oh, and here’s a bonus one that’s legitimately surprising:
New York Times Surviving
Posted in Lists, fake news Tagged family-run amusement parks, new york times being weird again Comments closed
What I’m atoning for this year
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Yes, the High Holy Days are upon us, when good little Jews try to atone for their sins so God will bring them presents. No, wait, it’s so He won’t kill them. Man, we really lucked out holiday-wise when we decided not to make the jump to Christianity.
Good Jews use these days to apologize to those they’ve hurt in the past year. But I am at best a C- Jew—at this point I’m in it for potato pancakes and days off from work—and I hate admitting that I’m wrong, so the best I offer is some half-assed apologies for things I’m not really that sorry for. As the Torah requires, I post them on the internet.
HALF-ASSED APOLOGIES FOR THINGS I’M NOT REALLY THAT SORRY FOR
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Random Emmy thoughts
Everyone looks like they’re in a terrible mood. Neil Patrick Harris already seemed to think he was bombing the second he stepped onstage. And what’s with the death glare, Tina Fey? Does it hurt your back to push the wheelbarrow you’ll need to take home all your Emmys?
Everyone is singling out Lorne Michaels for praise. Is he dying or something?
I’m not sure there should be an award for best reality show host. But if there is, we should probably just give it to Heidi Klum forever.
Comedy nominations are over and I’m getting bored. I don’t watch reality and I don’t have cable so I haven’t seen any of the drama nominees.
I like all the Irish people winning in the miniseries awards. An otherwise dull category is livened up by pretty accents.
Is Anna Torv pregnant? Her breasts look outstanding. She’s wearing one of those dresses where you can see the whole inner lower quadrant.
There’s a chyron at the bottom teasing “In Memoriam in 11 minutes!” In case you’re waiting with bated breath for the death montage.
… on second thought, it’ll probably be extra good this year.
Aww, Steve Carell looks so sad that Ricky Gervais said he wasn’t handsome.
Cherry Jones didn’t thank her girlfriend. Did she and Sarah Paulson break up?
Oh boy! Death montage! It does have an extra frisson of awesome. It would suck if you died this year and were only medium famous. Probably there were people who normally would’ve been in it but got bumped for “TV stars” Michael Jackson and Paul Newman. But they did finish up with Walter Cronkite. Classy.
Yay 30 Rock for best comedy. That is the correct award. I also would have accepted “Anything but Family Guy”.
Mad Men. Sure. I apparently love this show. Never seen it, but many people have told me so.
The end! Someone get Neil Patrick Harris a drink and a hug.
Posted in Uncategorized Tagged emmys, i don't like family guy, why is neil patrick harris sad? Comments closed
Some knock knock jokes.
1. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Joe.
Interrupting Joe wh-
YOU LIE
2. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Kanye.
…
I said, interrupting Kanye.
No, see, you can’t do this one.
What? Why not?
You already telegraphed the punchline. I know where you’re going with this. Kanye’s not a very common name.
Come on. Just see it through.
This is stupid.
You’re stupid. Do it.
FINE. “Interrupting Kanye wh-”
Taylor, I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!
Sigh. Jackass. …Wait, don’t quote me on that!
Posted in Uncategorized Comments closed
Excerpts from what seems to be a very popular travel guide to New York City
Welcome to New York City! Or the “Big Apple,” as the locals call it. You should call it that too, a lot.
New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world. Look around you. How many different kinds of ethnics can you see? Count them off. Out loud! Don’t forget to point out which ones you have in your hometown and which ones you do not. Not sure what that guy in the turban is? Ask!
Posted in fake travel guide Tagged new york, some people who visit here are very nice and this is just directed at the bad apples, times square, tourists Comments closed
Other kinds of MILs
So I jotted this down a month ago around my mother’s birthday and then utterly forgot to post it. Better late than never.
We all know what a MILF is:
Stifler's mom!
She’s a MILF. But moms are awfully important. Too important to be left ignored by the acronym community just because I wouldn’t in fact L to F them. So here are some moms and the acronyms that best suit them, IMHO:
Bambi’s mom is a MILSH, which stands for Mom I’d Like to Save from Hunters.
MILHFTM (Mom I’d like her fairy tale metabolism): The mom on Gilmore Girls who eats chocolate chip pancakes all the time but remains Lauren Graham.
Spock’s mom is a MILWASEC, or (spoiler alert!) a Mom I’d Like to Warn About Standing on the Edge of Cliffs.
Hamlet’s mom is a MILSUM.CSSCWHDP, a Mom I’d Like to Sign Up for Match.Com So She Can Widen Her Dating Pool.
Œdipus Rex’s mom is of course a MŒLF.
MILAWTF?: The moms of any number of the guys I’ve dated, including 90s Rock Guy, Zionist Conspiracy Guy, and Mr. Trash Pockets.
MILC (Mom I’d Like to Cuddle): Anyone who is a mom and also a panda. Koala moms also accepted.
Michelle Obama is for me, and pretty much every girl I know, the MILSMHTMICMGSPMWBMF, AKA the Mom I’d Like to Shake My Hand and Tell Me I’m a Credit to My Generation and She’s Proud of Me and Wants to Be My Friend.
MILE (Mom I’d Like to Eat): Whatever gives birth to Sour Patch Kids. Presumably a giant and delicious Sour Patch Mama.
MILB (Mom I Like Best): My mama. HBM! That stands for Happy Birthday Mama. SYBWMA. (Sorry Your Birthday Was a Month Ago.)