To: All students
From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse
Parchment re: Student Health
All of us on the faculty and staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take seriously our commitment to our students, and we strive to make sure that only three or four of you die a year. But since Voldemort was defeated another problem has been growing in our school—one that is in many ways as insidious as dark magic. This is why we feel we must act quickly and decisively to face the growing problem of obesity among our students.
We hope you children will not take this as a personal attack. It is not your fault that so many of you have developed heart arrythmias; on the contrary, we adults should have had the forethought to realize that your schedules would involve much less aerobic activity when you no longer had to regularly outrun a giant snake who lived in the walls. Dodging death curses also turns out to be wonderful for increasing agility. Alas, Dark Magic has been outlawed, and St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies has not yet developed a treatment for juvenile diabetes, so we will just have to take other measures to get fit.
Hogwarts’ Get Fit Get Fun Program!
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Frequency with which I have checked my luggage over the years
A: My American Girl doll gets her own suitcase. Didn’t you read my rider?
B: “Ma’am, your checked bag was stolen and the airline isn’t responsible. You’ll just have to wear your brother’s clothes all week. Happy birthday!”
C: “Ma’am, you can’t carry on liquids. Especially that fancy conditioner that makes your hair shiny.”
D: $15 to charge a $%&*ing bag? Forget it.
E: What is the world coming to.
F: Carrying on my luggage and other people’s to make a point.