To: All students
From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse
Parchment re: Student Health
All of us on the faculty and staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take seriously our commitment to our students, and we strive to make sure that only three or four of you die a year. But since Voldemort was defeated another problem has been growing in our school—one that is in many ways as insidious as dark magic. This is why we feel we must act quickly and decisively to face the growing problem of obesity among our students.
We hope you children will not take this as a personal attack. It is not your fault that so many of you have developed heart arrythmias; on the contrary, we adults should have had the forethought to realize that your schedules would involve much less aerobic activity when you no longer had to regularly outrun a giant snake who lived in the walls. Dodging death curses also turns out to be wonderful for increasing agility. Alas, Dark Magic has been outlawed, and St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies has not yet developed a treatment for juvenile diabetes, so we will just have to take other measures to get fit.
Hogwarts’ Get Fit Get Fun Program!
1. At the end of each meal students have traditionally enjoyed the magical appearance of cakes, pies, candies, brownies, puddings, and every kind of sweet a child could dream of. Instead you will now have delicious low-fat yogurts and as much fruit as you like provided it is under 150 calories. Won’t that be nice? You may also help yourself to Hagrid’s rock cakes, which turn out to be quite healthy, since he assures me they are made of a low-carb, gluten-free batter of quinoa and pebbles.
2. I know you Quidditch players think you’re very fit young athletes. But I’ve done heart rate studies on your practices. Your “sport” is about as high-impact as golf since your bums are parked on brooms the whole time. Worse, actually. At least they walk around. For this reason Madam Hooch has decided to alter the rules of the game slightly. Everything in the sport will remain the same except it will now be played on flying bicycles instead of brooms. Anyone who wishes to go out for their house team is strongly encouraged to take a spinning class.
3. Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Beans will no longer be available for sale in the school vending machines. They will be replaced with Bertie Botts’ Carrot Flavor Carrots.
4. Chocolate frogs will still be freely available but their enchanted hopping has been increased to thirty miles an hour. You can have as many as you like if you’re fit enough to catch them.
5. The common summoning spell ‘accio’ will no longer be permitted on Hogwarts grounds. If you want something you can get off your bum and go get it.
I know these changes may seem like a drastic alteration to our Hogwarts traditions, and I’ve already heard objections from many of you. But the fact is that I’ve never seen a more out-of-shape student body. Lord knows I wish it hadn’t come to this but I’ve been entrusted with your health and if I don’t enforce sweeping changes to your lifestyle I don’t know what will become of you. I think you’ll thank me when you can get through a simple spell without an asthma attack.
Sincerely,
Poppy Pomfrey
***
To: All students
From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse
Parchment re: re: Student Health
Disregard all changes outlined in my previous parchment. I just remembered we’re wizards. Last night I cast an anti-chubbening spell on all of you in your sleep. Boom. Done. Enjoy your dessert tonight!
Hogwarts Addresses the Childhood Obesity Epidemic
To: All students
From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse
Parchment re: Student Health
All of us on the faculty and staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take seriously our commitment to our students, and we strive to make sure that only three or four of you die a year. But since Voldemort was defeated another problem has been growing in our school—one that is in many ways as insidious as dark magic. This is why we feel we must act quickly and decisively to face the growing problem of obesity among our students.
We hope you children will not take this as a personal attack. It is not your fault that so many of you have developed heart arrythmias; on the contrary, we adults should have had the forethought to realize that your schedules would involve much less aerobic activity when you no longer had to regularly outrun a giant snake who lived in the walls. Dodging death curses also turns out to be wonderful for increasing agility. Alas, Dark Magic has been outlawed, and St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies has not yet developed a treatment for juvenile diabetes, so we will just have to take other measures to get fit.
Hogwarts’ Get Fit Get Fun Program!
1. At the end of each meal students have traditionally enjoyed the magical appearance of cakes, pies, candies, brownies, puddings, and every kind of sweet a child could dream of. Instead you will now have delicious low-fat yogurts and as much fruit as you like provided it is under 150 calories. Won’t that be nice? You may also help yourself to Hagrid’s rock cakes, which turn out to be quite healthy, since he assures me they are made of a low-carb, gluten-free batter of quinoa and pebbles.
2. I know you Quidditch players think you’re very fit young athletes. But I’ve done heart rate studies on your practices. Your “sport” is about as high-impact as golf since your bums are parked on brooms the whole time. Worse, actually. At least they walk around. For this reason Madam Hooch has decided to alter the rules of the game slightly. Everything in the sport will remain the same except it will now be played on flying bicycles instead of brooms. Anyone who wishes to go out for their house team is strongly encouraged to take a spinning class.
3. Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Beans will no longer be available for sale in the school vending machines. They will be replaced with Bertie Botts’ Carrot Flavor Carrots.
4. Chocolate frogs will still be freely available but their enchanted hopping has been increased to thirty miles an hour. You can have as many as you like if you’re fit enough to catch them.
5. The common summoning spell ‘accio’ will no longer be permitted on Hogwarts grounds. If you want something you can get off your bum and go get it.
I know these changes may seem like a drastic alteration to our Hogwarts traditions, and I’ve already heard objections from many of you. But the fact is that I’ve never seen a more out-of-shape student body. Lord knows I wish it hadn’t come to this but I’ve been entrusted with your health and if I don’t enforce sweeping changes to your lifestyle I don’t know what will become of you. I think you’ll thank me when you can get through a simple spell without an asthma attack.
Sincerely,
Poppy Pomfrey
***
To: All students
From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse
Parchment re: re: Student Health
Disregard all changes outlined in my previous parchment. I just remembered we’re wizards. Last night I cast an anti-chubbening spell on all of you in your sleep. Boom. Done. Enjoy your dessert tonight!
Sincerely,
Poppy Pomfrey