Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln, and Boots
WASHINGTON, DC—The National Park Service announced today that it is raising revenue by augmenting all major national monuments with cats.
“We had to do something,” explained Monuments Director Joshua Blumenthal. “With the economy people aren’t traveling as much, and since literally every eighth grade class in the country has already been on its class trip to Washington this year, attendance was falling like a rock.
“So: cute cats,” he continued.
Blumenthal rejected criticism that the NPS resorted too quickly to Project LOLMonument. “Hey, we tried everything,” he said. “We did a big ‘Your History and You’ publicity push, we made new brochures, we even hired a celebrity spokesperson. But it turns out that Americans are just not that interested in either our precious heritage or in Debra Messing.
“But you know what people do like, asshole? Cats,” he said.
Blumenthal is proud to say that the project was his own idea. “I was drunk one night and surfing the internet at Mount Rushmore,” he said. “And it hit me that if you weed out the porn, the internet is 80% pictures of cats. People love that crap. Now I wasn’t about to defile our nation’s monuments with pornography, but I looked around from my seat on Lincoln’s beard and realized, bam! There’s totally room for a hundred foot damn cat head next to the Great Emancipator.”
After Mount Rushmore was successfully converted to Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln and Boots, the NPS turned their attention to other monuments.
“The Lincoln Memorial was easy,” Blumenthal said. “Dude’s already sitting in a chair. We just threw some cats all over him like he’s my Aunt Lucy. Bam. Done.”
“You know, Lincoln didn’t even like cats!” he yelled at a passing group of tourists, saluting them with his paper-bag-wrapped beverage.
He points out that while two of the new Lincoln cats are marble, like Lincoln himself, the one on his lap is in fact a stuffed puma.
“Kind of like guerilla marketing for the National Zoo,” he explained.
Blumenthal said his biggest challenge was the Washington Monument.
“Just look at it,” he said, wading through the reflecting pool. “It was perfect as it was. White and simple and upright. How the hell do you incorporate a cat?”
“I think we went the right way with it,” he said.
Other NPS staff members expressed cautious support for the project. “The day I woke Mr. Blumenthal up from our office steps and he told me about the cute cat project, I was a little skeptical,” said Monuments Public Relations Assistant Anna Smyth. “But he said he’d been trying to get Americans interested in their history for nineteen years and he wasn’t going to force it down their throats anymore when what they wanted was little damn allergy factories that didn’t give a damn if people lived or died with misspelled captions and to get him a clean shirt.”
“And he was right,” Ms. Smyth added. “Attendance is up 63%.”
“Hell yeah attendance is up 63%. Cats, motherf—” Blumenthal said, cutting himself off with a swig from a flask.
When asked for comment on the unprecedented changes to the nation’s monuments, the White House said that they were glad that Blumenthal was finding innovative ways to interest Americans in history. An unnamed White House source, however, said that the administration is trying to quietly get Blumenthal some help without upsetting him so he doesn’t follow through on his plan to replace the White House with a structure made of cats.
Fighting falling attendance, National Park Service adds cats to all national monuments
“Internet does it all the time” says NPS
Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln, and Boots
WASHINGTON, DC—The National Park Service announced today that it is raising revenue by augmenting all major national monuments with cats.
“We had to do something,” explained Monuments Director Joshua Blumenthal. “With the economy people aren’t traveling as much, and since literally every eighth grade class in the country has already been on its class trip to Washington this year, attendance was falling like a rock.
“So: cute cats,” he continued.
Blumenthal rejected criticism that the NPS resorted too quickly to Project LOLMonument. “Hey, we tried everything,” he said. “We did a big ‘Your History and You’ publicity push, we made new brochures, we even hired a celebrity spokesperson. But it turns out that Americans are just not that interested in either our precious heritage or in Debra Messing.
“But you know what people do like, asshole? Cats,” he said.
Blumenthal is proud to say that the project was his own idea. “I was drunk one night and surfing the internet at Mount Rushmore,” he said. “And it hit me that if you weed out the porn, the internet is 80% pictures of cats. People love that crap. Now I wasn’t about to defile our nation’s monuments with pornography, but I looked around from my seat on Lincoln’s beard and realized, bam! There’s totally room for a hundred foot damn cat head next to the Great Emancipator.”
After Mount Rushmore was successfully converted to Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln and Boots, the NPS turned their attention to other monuments.
“The Lincoln Memorial was easy,” Blumenthal said. “Dude’s already sitting in a chair. We just threw some cats all over him like he’s my Aunt Lucy. Bam. Done.”
“You know, Lincoln didn’t even like cats!” he yelled at a passing group of tourists, saluting them with his paper-bag-wrapped beverage.
He points out that while two of the new Lincoln cats are marble, like Lincoln himself, the one on his lap is in fact a stuffed puma.
“Kind of like guerilla marketing for the National Zoo,” he explained.
Blumenthal said his biggest challenge was the Washington Monument.
“Just look at it,” he said, wading through the reflecting pool. “It was perfect as it was. White and simple and upright. How the hell do you incorporate a cat?”
“I think we went the right way with it,” he said.
Other NPS staff members expressed cautious support for the project. “The day I woke Mr. Blumenthal up from our office steps and he told me about the cute cat project, I was a little skeptical,” said Monuments Public Relations Assistant Anna Smyth. “But he said he’d been trying to get Americans interested in their history for nineteen years and he wasn’t going to force it down their throats anymore when what they wanted was little damn allergy factories that didn’t give a damn if people lived or died with misspelled captions and to get him a clean shirt.”
“And he was right,” Ms. Smyth added. “Attendance is up 63%.”
“Hell yeah attendance is up 63%. Cats, motherf—” Blumenthal said, cutting himself off with a swig from a flask.
When asked for comment on the unprecedented changes to the nation’s monuments, the White House said that they were glad that Blumenthal was finding innovative ways to interest Americans in history. An unnamed White House source, however, said that the administration is trying to quietly get Blumenthal some help without upsetting him so he doesn’t follow through on his plan to replace the White House with a structure made of cats.