Excerpts from what seems to be a very popular travel guide to New York City

Welcome to New York City! Or the “Big Apple,” as the locals call it. You should call it that too, a lot.

New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world. Look around you. How many different kinds of ethnics can you see? Count them off. Out loud! Don’t forget to point out which ones you have in your hometown and which ones you do not. Not sure what that guy in the turban is? Ask!

Times Square: The most beautiful and interesting place in New York.

Tourist Attractions Outside Times Square: Why? Just go back to Times Square. It has the M&M Store, you know.

The M&M Store: Does it sell perfectly regular M&Ms, the exact same kind sold everywhere else in the world? Better find out!

Walking: New Yorkers sure walk fast, don’t they? It’s like they’re using walking as a form of transportation to get somewhere, without even stopping to take any pictures! Do they think their legs are cars? You can do your part to reduce their speed. Just follow these tips:

Walk very slowly. No, slower. No, slower than that.

Travel in a group of at least five.

Most important: walk shoulder to shoulder, NOT single file. If one of you stops to take a picture, you all stop. DO NOT BREAK FORMATION.

Good job! You’ve created a human speed bump, saving countless New Yorkers from daredevil walking speeds on their way to work. Note: these tips also work for walking on bike paths.

The subway: Don’t hold onto anything. Isn’t it more fun to let the train’s deceleration take you by surprise?

Here’s a tip for large groups: buy one metrocard for all of you to share. Swipe it slowly and carefully, step through the turnstile, and pass it back to the next person. Repeat until you’ve all passed through. Shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. Don’t worry about the people stacked up behind you. If New Yorkers love one thing, it’s patiently waiting their turn.

Welcome, foreign tourists! You have a special advantage for your visit here: you speak a non-English language. Americans can’t understand you! Isn’t it funny how they’re stupid? So go ahead and freely discuss your opinion of various body parts belonging to the girl sitting across from you on the subway. She definitely didn’t take French in high school.

We hope you had a great time in the city that never sleeps. Come back soon! We miss you already.