From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Nikkei Directives
People, as anyone knows who’s hit Bloomberg this morning, we’ve got trouble in the Japanese markets. Keep an eye on any and all trades over there today, especially high-frequency moves in grain and gold. Things are bound to be volatile since last night’s mergers.
Fred
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Nikkei Directives
Fo’ shizzle, my nizzle, the Nikkei is wack this mizzorning. Ain’t just grain and gold though. Crude oil and corn futures be illin’ on the Singapore and Hong Kong exchanges. We hedge this right, we can lay the smackdown on those suckas over at Goldman Sachs and Deutche Bank. Holla!
Holla,
Arthur Ruthenbizzle
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Shizzle etc
Art, is everything all right?
Fred
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Shizzle etc
Sho nuff, Fred. Why, what up?
And hey, my bitch say we still ain’t got yo RSVP for Art Jr.’s Bar Mitzvah, so holla back, aaight? We gots to give the caterer a headcount.
Holla,
Ar to the Thurzzle
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Re: Re: Shizzle etc
>Why, what up?
“What up” is that your emails have suddenly become riddled with incomprehensible and clumsily used slang. Not only is it wildly inappropriate for a serious business environment, I’m pretty sure you’re not even doing it right.
Really, Art? “Ruthenbizzle”? This isn’t 2003. Knock it off.
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Shizzle etc
>>Why, what up?
>“What up” is that your emails have suddenly become riddled with incomprehensible and >clumsily used slang.
Oh yeah. No sweat, boss. It’s just my new ebonoergonomic keyboard. It trizzanslates everything into the style of Jay-Z’s 2001 hit single H.O.V.A. (aka H to the Izzo). It be doin wonders for my carpal tunnel also.
Holla,
A to the Izz-R
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: There is no such thing as an ebonoergonomic keyboard.
How would that even work?
Whatever. Get your old keyboard back and stop being weird.
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: There is no such thing as an ebonergonomic keyboard.
No shizzle, my keyboard is fo real.
>How would that even work?
Well, there be Kanji keyboards to type in Japanese, and Cyrillic keyboards to type in Russian. Same thing, yo. Pretty easy to use once you get used to the giant IZZLE button in the mizziddle.
>Whatever. Get your old keyboard back and stop being weird.
Nah, man. My wrists ain’t felt this good in years. I’m puttin’ through my commodities trades mad fast, and I’m even getting to work in my garden again. You best believe I love my garden, Fred, and carpal tunnel meant I haven’t gotten my hands on a hoe in years. Now I’m herbin’ like a mofo.
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Re: Re: There is no such thing as an ebonoergonomic keyboard.
That is not what Jay-Z meant by herbin’.
I’m sorry, Art. You’re one of my best traders and I know how much of a trial your carpal tunnel has been, but you’re going to confuse the whole team if you send emails like this. We work in an investment bank, for god’s sake. It’s a fast-paced business. Our people can’t waste time picking apart your peculiar and moderately offensive version of African-American vernacular.
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: commodities-traders@dbg.com
Cc: Fred Jameson
Subject: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
What up, c-trizzlers? Fred thinks yall can’t understand me cuz my Izzle keyboard. Is that so? Holla back.
Holla,
A Ruthenbizzay
***
From: A. G. Finchley, Risk Manager, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Rachel Goldstein, Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Word.
> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Jason (Jah-Hoon) Park, Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Word.
>Word.
>> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Charlie Bailey, Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Jason Park, Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Holla.
>Word.
>>Word.
>>> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Chrissy Cabrini, Office Manager, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Charlie Bailey, Jason Park, Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Aww hell naw. Don’t he know about your carpal tunnel, Ruthenbizzle? Don’t he know about Rachel’s repetitive stress, and about the strain a traditional keyboard puts on the metatarsals? I’ma fuck his shit up.
P.S. I hear you been herbin’ it up again. Props. How’s ya perennials?
=============================
I can only please one person per day
Today is not your day
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either!!! ;P
=============================
>Holla.
>>Word.
>>>Word.
>>>> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Chrissy Cabrini, Charlie Bailey, Jason Park, Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
First of all, I NEVER want to see ANY OF YOU use the word ‘herbin’ in your emails again. You’re going to get our whole department called in for drug testing. YOU ARE USING THAT WORD WRONG.
Second of all: despite Arthur’s carpal tunnel, Rachel’s repetitive stress and whatever excuse the rest of you have, these keyboards of yours are simply not professional. You are to switch back to regular keyboards immediately. Until then you can continue to email within the department but please avoid contact with the outside world. If the Securities and Exchange Commission gets an email from my department that contains the phrase ‘fo shizzle my nizzle’ I will have to retire early.
Get rid of those keyboards. I mean it.
Fred
***
From: Barbara Benziger, Director of Human Resources, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Discrimination against workers with disabilities
Mr. Jameson,
I received word from one of your employees that you’re attempting to deny your department access to specialized equipment designed to ameliorate repetitive stress injuries. As I’m sure you’re aware, failure to provide such equipment is considered discrimination against the disabled. It is prohibited under the Americans with Disabilities Act and could cause serious legal problems for Dibley Brown Gruber.
The Human Resources Department will have to insist that you allow your department the use of all necessary ergonomic equipment. If you have any questions about this matter I am happy to arrange a meeting at your convenience.
Holla,
Barbara Benziger
Director of Human Resources
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: What did you DO?
Before it was just you. Now it’s everywhere. Jesus, am I the only one left who can send an email without a single ‘izzle’ or ‘holla’ ?
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: What did you DO?
> am I the only one left who can send an email without a single ‘izzle’ or ‘holla’ ?
Yo, I think Frank in accounting’s holdin’ out too, yo.
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Frank Tinley
Subject: Typing like a grownup
Hey Frank,
Is it true? Are you another holdout against this bizarre izzle keyboard trend? Please say yes.
Please.
Fred
***
From: Frank Tinley, Senior Accountant, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Typing like a grownup
Aye, matey, I don’t know what those lubbers be thinkin’. The Long John 3000 be much better for me rotator cuffs, arr.
Ebonoergonomic keyboard
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Nikkei Directives
People, as anyone knows who’s hit Bloomberg this morning, we’ve got trouble in the Japanese markets. Keep an eye on any and all trades over there today, especially high-frequency moves in grain and gold. Things are bound to be volatile since last night’s mergers.
Fred
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Nikkei Directives
Fo’ shizzle, my nizzle, the Nikkei is wack this mizzorning. Ain’t just grain and gold though. Crude oil and corn futures be illin’ on the Singapore and Hong Kong exchanges. We hedge this right, we can lay the smackdown on those suckas over at Goldman Sachs and Deutche Bank. Holla!
Holla,
Arthur Ruthenbizzle
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Shizzle etc
Art, is everything all right?
Fred
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Shizzle etc
Sho nuff, Fred. Why, what up?
And hey, my bitch say we still ain’t got yo RSVP for Art Jr.’s Bar Mitzvah, so holla back, aaight? We gots to give the caterer a headcount.
Holla,
Ar to the Thurzzle
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Re: Re: Shizzle etc
>Why, what up?
“What up” is that your emails have suddenly become riddled with incomprehensible and clumsily used slang. Not only is it wildly inappropriate for a serious business environment, I’m pretty sure you’re not even doing it right.
Really, Art? “Ruthenbizzle”? This isn’t 2003. Knock it off.
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Shizzle etc
>>Why, what up?
>“What up” is that your emails have suddenly become riddled with incomprehensible and >clumsily used slang.
Oh yeah. No sweat, boss. It’s just my new ebonoergonomic keyboard. It trizzanslates everything into the style of Jay-Z’s 2001 hit single H.O.V.A. (aka H to the Izzo). It be doin wonders for my carpal tunnel also.
Holla,
A to the Izz-R
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: There is no such thing as an ebonoergonomic keyboard.
How would that even work?
Whatever. Get your old keyboard back and stop being weird.
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: There is no such thing as an ebonergonomic keyboard.
No shizzle, my keyboard is fo real.
>How would that even work?
Well, there be Kanji keyboards to type in Japanese, and Cyrillic keyboards to type in Russian. Same thing, yo. Pretty easy to use once you get used to the giant IZZLE button in the mizziddle.
>Whatever. Get your old keyboard back and stop being weird.
Nah, man. My wrists ain’t felt this good in years. I’m puttin’ through my commodities trades mad fast, and I’m even getting to work in my garden again. You best believe I love my garden, Fred, and carpal tunnel meant I haven’t gotten my hands on a hoe in years. Now I’m herbin’ like a mofo.
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: Re: Re: There is no such thing as an ebonoergonomic keyboard.
That is not what Jay-Z meant by herbin’.
I’m sorry, Art. You’re one of my best traders and I know how much of a trial your carpal tunnel has been, but you’re going to confuse the whole team if you send emails like this. We work in an investment bank, for god’s sake. It’s a fast-paced business. Our people can’t waste time picking apart your peculiar and moderately offensive version of African-American vernacular.
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: commodities-traders@dbg.com
Cc: Fred Jameson
Subject: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
What up, c-trizzlers? Fred thinks yall can’t understand me cuz my Izzle keyboard. Is that so? Holla back.
Holla,
A Ruthenbizzay
***
From: A. G. Finchley, Risk Manager, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Rachel Goldstein, Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Word.
> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Jason (Jah-Hoon) Park, Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Word.
>Word.
>> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Charlie Bailey, Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Jason Park, Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Holla.
>Word.
>>Word.
>>> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Chrissy Cabrini, Office Manager, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Charlie Bailey, Jason Park, Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
Aww hell naw. Don’t he know about your carpal tunnel, Ruthenbizzle? Don’t he know about Rachel’s repetitive stress, and about the strain a traditional keyboard puts on the metatarsals? I’ma fuck his shit up.
P.S. I hear you been herbin’ it up again. Props. How’s ya perennials?
=============================
I can only please one person per day
Today is not your day
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either!!! ;P
=============================
>Holla.
>>Word.
>>>Word.
>>>> What? That is wack. I hear you, yo.
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Cc: Chrissy Cabrini, Charlie Bailey, Jason Park, Rachel Goldstein, A.G. Finchley, Fred Jameson, commodities-traders@dbg.com
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Ebonoergonomic keyboard
First of all, I NEVER want to see ANY OF YOU use the word ‘herbin’ in your emails again. You’re going to get our whole department called in for drug testing. YOU ARE USING THAT WORD WRONG.
Second of all: despite Arthur’s carpal tunnel, Rachel’s repetitive stress and whatever excuse the rest of you have, these keyboards of yours are simply not professional. You are to switch back to regular keyboards immediately. Until then you can continue to email within the department but please avoid contact with the outside world. If the Securities and Exchange Commission gets an email from my department that contains the phrase ‘fo shizzle my nizzle’ I will have to retire early.
Get rid of those keyboards. I mean it.
Fred
***
From: Barbara Benziger, Director of Human Resources, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Discrimination against workers with disabilities
Mr. Jameson,
I received word from one of your employees that you’re attempting to deny your department access to specialized equipment designed to ameliorate repetitive stress injuries. As I’m sure you’re aware, failure to provide such equipment is considered discrimination against the disabled. It is prohibited under the Americans with Disabilities Act and could cause serious legal problems for Dibley Brown Gruber.
The Human Resources Department will have to insist that you allow your department the use of all necessary ergonomic equipment. If you have any questions about this matter I am happy to arrange a meeting at your convenience.
Holla,
Barbara Benziger
Director of Human Resources
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Arthur Ruthenberg
Subject: What did you DO?
Before it was just you. Now it’s everywhere. Jesus, am I the only one left who can send an email without a single ‘izzle’ or ‘holla’ ?
***
From: Arthur Ruthenberg, Senior Commodities Trader, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: What did you DO?
> am I the only one left who can send an email without a single ‘izzle’ or ‘holla’ ?
Yo, I think Frank in accounting’s holdin’ out too, yo.
***
From: Fred Jameson, Director of Asian Trading, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Frank Tinley
Subject: Typing like a grownup
Hey Frank,
Is it true? Are you another holdout against this bizarre izzle keyboard trend? Please say yes.
Please.
Fred
***
From: Frank Tinley, Senior Accountant, Dibley Brown Gruber
To: Fred Jameson
Subject: Re: Typing like a grownup
Aye, matey, I don’t know what those lubbers be thinkin’. The Long John 3000 be much better for me rotator cuffs, arr.
Arr,
Frank Tinley