Death Really Enjoying His Tour of the Stars’ Homes

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Death, the Lord of Darkness and Destroyer of Worlds, is spending the summer touring the homes of his favorite celebrities.

“I usually get out to Hollywood a few times a year,” the king of Hades told reporters from the top of a double decker tour bus. “And every time I come out here, it’s like, man, I really need to spend more time here, you know? But in my line of business I kind of have to go where the work takes me. Then this summer I figured, fuck it, I’m doing something for me.”

“Ooh! Is that Mel Gibson?” Death asked, leaning out of the bus with his camera and accidentally reaping several tourists.

Gary Scarpetti, the owner of Startrip Tours, confirmed that Death had been a frequent customer in the past months.

“Yeah, that super committed goth [Death] has been on one of our buses almost every day this summer,” Scarpetti said. “Most people, they do one afternoon on the bus. That guy keeps coming back.”

Scarpetti glanced at the bus where Death was currently waiting for the next tour to begin and lowered his voice. “Do you know him?” he asked. “Can you get him to leave? He keeps hitting on the cute tour guides and, bam, next thing you know they’re dead of cholera.”

Death was undeterred by Scarpetti’s suggestion that he find other entertainment. “The best day was in June,” Death said. “Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett in one day. Wow.”

Since then, Death said, favorite stops on his tour have included encounters with Dom Deluise, David Carradine, and “that guy who directed Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

“Bueller!” Death hollered happily, causing a clap of thunder.

The Grim Reaper said he was not sure how long his sojourn in California would continue. “It’s not like I’m neglecting my job,” he said. “Just a couple days ago I went to Washington. But it’s so exciting meeting celebrities. I’m hooked. I’m supposed to be in Darfur right now but I just don’t want to leave, you know?”

“Whatever, I deserve this,” Death said, craning his neck for a first glimpse of Angela Lansbury’s house. “It’s the summer of me.”