Those of you who don’t know me personally may be surprised to learn that I am neither rich nor famous. (I am, however, just as cute as you’d assume.) My current plan to rectify this is to go where the money is: television crime procedurals. CSI, NCIS, the lesser Law and Orders: these are the most popular shows no one watches on purpose, and CBS is always in the market for another pipeline to quench the public’s thirst for the intoxicating combination of dead hookers and microscopes. So here are a few procedurals I plan to pitch. Let me know what you guys think.
1. A serial killer is targeting forensic investigators. The fiend kills his victims by forcing a videocamera down their throats and zooming in on their insides. Then he carves a pun into their corpse. His favorite victims are female investigators who are about to turn thirty, forcing their squads, with heavy hearts, to replace them with someone younger and prettier. To stop the carnage, top investigators from police departments across the country and also somehow the Navy come together to form an elite forensic supergroup. Like Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, but for murder. All your favorite interchangeable detectives, now poking throw buckets of entrails on one show. Which father figure/boss will win the condescend-a-thon? Which loose cannon has the grittiest backstory? Which actress’s forehead most resembles a section of flesh-colored bowling ball? Tune in this fall to NCSISVU: New York: Miami: Maryland: New York.
2. Did you know that within our national parks, the task of investigating homicides belongs to forest rangers? For the purpose of this show, that is true. Join the Rangers each week as they lead nature hikes, prevent forest fires and use their crack investigative skills to determine whether this week’s camper-slaying was murder or bears. DEATH RANGERS, Mondays on CBS. (This one could also have a spinoff where we learn that crimes committed within national parks are tried in ranger court, with ranger lawyers and tree jail. The court is a tent! Smokey the Bear is the judge! An owl is the bailiff! The death penalty is still very real.)
3. LAW AND ORDER BABIES: Just like Law and Order, except Briscoe, McCoy and their friends are babies. They love snacks, their nursery, using their imaginations, and figuring out who left parts of a mob informant scattered through Red Hook. Oh, and this one is a cartoon.
4. If we know one thing from shows like House and Castle, it’s that a procedural doesn’t have to be about a detective as long as he’s named after a building. So how about this: Principal Mary Honeywell would love to fire Rumsfeld Elementary School’s abrasive, unconventional janitor, but he’s too damn effective. Though he sexually harasses the teachers, frightens the children, and pours out mysterious pink powder whenever anyone vomits, Principal Honeywell knows that if there’s any hope of finding out who’s been sticking gum on the bottoms of the desks before parent-teacher conferences, she’ll have to protect him to from the schoolboard, ignore their smouldering sexual tension, and rely on the investigative skills of the brilliant CONDO.
Hat tip to Steve, who came up with Condo. When it sells I’ll cut him in for ten percent.
Coming next fall to CBS
Those of you who don’t know me personally may be surprised to learn that I am neither rich nor famous. (I am, however, just as cute as you’d assume.) My current plan to rectify this is to go where the money is: television crime procedurals. CSI, NCIS, the lesser Law and Orders: these are the most popular shows no one watches on purpose, and CBS is always in the market for another pipeline to quench the public’s thirst for the intoxicating combination of dead hookers and microscopes. So here are a few procedurals I plan to pitch. Let me know what you guys think.
1. A serial killer is targeting forensic investigators. The fiend kills his victims by forcing a videocamera down their throats and zooming in on their insides. Then he carves a pun into their corpse. His favorite victims are female investigators who are about to turn thirty, forcing their squads, with heavy hearts, to replace them with someone younger and prettier. To stop the carnage, top investigators from police departments across the country and also somehow the Navy come together to form an elite forensic supergroup. Like Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, but for murder. All your favorite interchangeable detectives, now poking throw buckets of entrails on one show. Which father figure/boss will win the condescend-a-thon? Which loose cannon has the grittiest backstory? Which actress’s forehead most resembles a section of flesh-colored bowling ball? Tune in this fall to NCSISVU: New York: Miami: Maryland: New York.
2. Did you know that within our national parks, the task of investigating homicides belongs to forest rangers? For the purpose of this show, that is true. Join the Rangers each week as they lead nature hikes, prevent forest fires and use their crack investigative skills to determine whether this week’s camper-slaying was murder or bears. DEATH RANGERS, Mondays on CBS. (This one could also have a spinoff where we learn that crimes committed within national parks are tried in ranger court, with ranger lawyers and tree jail. The court is a tent! Smokey the Bear is the judge! An owl is the bailiff! The death penalty is still very real.)
3. LAW AND ORDER BABIES: Just like Law and Order, except Briscoe, McCoy and their friends are babies. They love snacks, their nursery, using their imaginations, and figuring out who left parts of a mob informant scattered through Red Hook. Oh, and this one is a cartoon.
4. If we know one thing from shows like House and Castle, it’s that a procedural doesn’t have to be about a detective as long as he’s named after a building. So how about this: Principal Mary Honeywell would love to fire Rumsfeld Elementary School’s abrasive, unconventional janitor, but he’s too damn effective. Though he sexually harasses the teachers, frightens the children, and pours out mysterious pink powder whenever anyone vomits, Principal Honeywell knows that if there’s any hope of finding out who’s been sticking gum on the bottoms of the desks before parent-teacher conferences, she’ll have to protect him to from the schoolboard, ignore their smouldering sexual tension, and rely on the investigative skills of the brilliant CONDO.
Hat tip to Steve, who came up with Condo. When it sells I’ll cut him in for ten percent.