I wrote this awhile ago, but never shot it. So here, website. Have a script about the implosion of Chrysler.
Exterior, Chrysler factory, day.
A whistle blows. Three guys in hard hats enter. They sit on a bench to eat lunch. Clyde takes out a newspaper.
VERN
Hey, you guys hear the penny finally dropped? Yeah, after years of layoffs, Chrysler’s declaring bankruptcy today.
BILL
Ain’t that a hell of a thing. What’s supposed to happen to us, huh? Honest, hardworking guys, the backbone of American manufacturing, who gave the best years of our lives to the Chrysler corporation.
CLYDE
Says here it was a combination of spiraling manufacturing costs and inferior quality of the product.
VERN
Spiraling costs? Pshh, that’s crazy. We’re a well oiled machine. And inferior quality like what?
CLYDE
The example they give is the steering on the Town & Country.
BILL
Nah, that’s ridiculous. I took a new Town & Country off the assembly line last night, steering was as tight as a drum. Vern, how bout the one you took?
VERN
Well, to tell you the truth the steering was looser than I prefer, but the other three I snuck off the assembly line this week steered like a fuckin’ angel dream. Like baby Jesus lived in the suspension.
CLYDE
Hold on, hold on. Bill, you stole four new cars this week? Snatched ‘em right off the assembly line?
BILL
Sure. Why?
CLYDE
You crazy knucklehead, I told you, you’re gonna get caught. You gotta wait till they get off the assembly line to the paint lot. No one misses ‘em there.
BILL
Sound advice as usual, Clyde, which I will heed from now on. But back to this bankruptcy thing. I just don’t see what could be behind this ‘spiraling costs’ notion. We run such a tight ship at Chrysler. Where could that wasted money be going?
CLYDE
Well, I don’t know. When I helped myself to one of them new Sebrings I noticed it had six cupholders. Six cupholders! Who needs that many? I was so dumsquizzled I pulled it over, gave it to a homeless man, and walked back to the plant to take another one just to see if they were all like that. You guys, they are.
Clyde shakes his head.
CLYDE
Six cupholders. Now that’s what I call waste.
BILL
Sheesh. It sure is.
VERN
You been taking a lot of them Sebrings lately, Clyde. Whatta ya been doing with ‘em?
CLYDE
Oh, you know, a Sebring for my mom’s birthday, a PT Cruiser as a wedding present for my daughter, a minivan for my son when he hits a homer in Little League. These memorable occasions, they add up.
BILL
As a family man you have many obligations.
CLYDE
True that, true that. How bout you, Bill? What you been doing with the cars?
BILL
Oh, just the usual, fellas. Still trying to break the record for the world’s largest pile of brand-new cars.
VERN
Yeah? How’s that going?
BILL
Not great. I was so close. The guy from the Guinness Book of World Records was due to come check it out the next week, but then wouldn’t you know it, the pile fell down.
CLYDE
Ain’t that always the way.
BILL
Yeah. Squashed my neighbor’s aboveground pool, he took me to small claims court, it was a whole thing. So the record is still held by some jerkoff from Ford.
VERN
Those Ford trucks are so rectangular, they must stack right up like Tetris. It is not your fault, Bill, that you work for a company that values sleek design.
BILL
Thank you, Vern. How about you?
VERN
Myself, I am very active in our local demolition derby.
BILL
Sure, but that’s just the weekends. What do you do with your Monday through Thursday cars?
VERN
Well, lately I’ve been - aw, jeez, you guys’ll think it’s stupid.
CLYDE
What?
VERN
Well, you know how when you were a kid you’d tape two colored pencils together and make one drawing with two colored lines side by side? Well, I says to myself, if it works with two parallel colored pencils and a piece of tape, might it work just as well with two parallel cars with their windows rolled down and a hockey stick jammed through both steering wheels?
CLYDE
(whistles)
That is very original thinking, Vern. So does it work?
VERN
Not as well as you’d think.
BILL
You know, guys, I been thinkin’. Is it possible that we are, in some small way, contributing to Chrysler’s quote-unquote “spiraling costs” by each taking a car a day?
CLYDE
I don’t follow.
BILL
Well, think about it. A new Chrysler is worth between $15,000 and $45,000. There’s three of us, so multiply that by three. And we each take one every day.
CLYDE
Unless we’re sick.
BILL
Right. And when did these budget problems begin?
CLYDE
Says here around 1986. Hey, that’s when we started at the plant!
BILL
Exactly. A Town & Country here, a Sebring there, you think it’s no big deal, but before you know it you’ve taken eight billion dollars’ worth of cars.
CLYDE
But come one, that’s small potatoes. Chrysler’s in the hole for -
He checks the paper.
CLYDE
… eight point six billion dollars.
VERN
Wow. So what you’re saying is that our benefits have been slashed, our friends have been laid off, and now the whole multimillion dollar corporation has gone plooie - all because three guys from the carburetor quality control department happen to enjoy unwinding by driving to the field by the airport and making pictures for the planes out of cars?
BILL
That is what I’m saying.
VERN
Wow.
CLYDE
Huh.
BILL
Makes you think.
Beat. They contemplate. The shift whistle blows. The guys get up and start to exit.
CLYDE
Well, back to work.
BILL
Yeah. Hey Vern, I’ll give you a PT Cruiser for that turkey sandwich.
Chrysler Failed Because of Three Guys Who Each Stole a Car a Day
I wrote this awhile ago, but never shot it. So here, website. Have a script about the implosion of Chrysler.
Exterior, Chrysler factory, day.
A whistle blows. Three guys in hard hats enter. They sit on a bench to eat lunch. Clyde takes out a newspaper.
VERN
Hey, you guys hear the penny finally dropped? Yeah, after years of layoffs, Chrysler’s declaring bankruptcy today.
BILL
Ain’t that a hell of a thing. What’s supposed to happen to us, huh? Honest, hardworking guys, the backbone of American manufacturing, who gave the best years of our lives to the Chrysler corporation.
CLYDE
Says here it was a combination of spiraling manufacturing costs and inferior quality of the product.
VERN
Spiraling costs? Pshh, that’s crazy. We’re a well oiled machine. And inferior quality like what?
CLYDE
The example they give is the steering on the Town & Country.
BILL
Nah, that’s ridiculous. I took a new Town & Country off the assembly line last night, steering was as tight as a drum. Vern, how bout the one you took?
VERN
Well, to tell you the truth the steering was looser than I prefer, but the other three I snuck off the assembly line this week steered like a fuckin’ angel dream. Like baby Jesus lived in the suspension.
CLYDE
Hold on, hold on. Bill, you stole four new cars this week? Snatched ‘em right off the assembly line?
BILL
Sure. Why?
CLYDE
You crazy knucklehead, I told you, you’re gonna get caught. You gotta wait till they get off the assembly line to the paint lot. No one misses ‘em there.
BILL
Sound advice as usual, Clyde, which I will heed from now on. But back to this bankruptcy thing. I just don’t see what could be behind this ‘spiraling costs’ notion. We run such a tight ship at Chrysler. Where could that wasted money be going?
CLYDE
Well, I don’t know. When I helped myself to one of them new Sebrings I noticed it had six cupholders. Six cupholders! Who needs that many? I was so dumsquizzled I pulled it over, gave it to a homeless man, and walked back to the plant to take another one just to see if they were all like that. You guys, they are.
Clyde shakes his head.
CLYDE
Six cupholders. Now that’s what I call waste.
BILL
Sheesh. It sure is.
VERN
You been taking a lot of them Sebrings lately, Clyde. Whatta ya been doing with ‘em?
CLYDE
Oh, you know, a Sebring for my mom’s birthday, a PT Cruiser as a wedding present for my daughter, a minivan for my son when he hits a homer in Little League. These memorable occasions, they add up.
BILL
As a family man you have many obligations.
CLYDE
True that, true that. How bout you, Bill? What you been doing with the cars?
BILL
Oh, just the usual, fellas. Still trying to break the record for the world’s largest pile of brand-new cars.
VERN
Yeah? How’s that going?
BILL
Not great. I was so close. The guy from the Guinness Book of World Records was due to come check it out the next week, but then wouldn’t you know it, the pile fell down.
CLYDE
Ain’t that always the way.
BILL
Yeah. Squashed my neighbor’s aboveground pool, he took me to small claims court, it was a whole thing. So the record is still held by some jerkoff from Ford.
VERN
Those Ford trucks are so rectangular, they must stack right up like Tetris. It is not your fault, Bill, that you work for a company that values sleek design.
BILL
Thank you, Vern. How about you?
VERN
Myself, I am very active in our local demolition derby.
BILL
Sure, but that’s just the weekends. What do you do with your Monday through Thursday cars?
VERN
Well, lately I’ve been - aw, jeez, you guys’ll think it’s stupid.
CLYDE
What?
VERN
Well, you know how when you were a kid you’d tape two colored pencils together and make one drawing with two colored lines side by side? Well, I says to myself, if it works with two parallel colored pencils and a piece of tape, might it work just as well with two parallel cars with their windows rolled down and a hockey stick jammed through both steering wheels?
CLYDE
(whistles)
That is very original thinking, Vern. So does it work?
VERN
Not as well as you’d think.
BILL
You know, guys, I been thinkin’. Is it possible that we are, in some small way, contributing to Chrysler’s quote-unquote “spiraling costs” by each taking a car a day?
CLYDE
I don’t follow.
BILL
Well, think about it. A new Chrysler is worth between $15,000 and $45,000. There’s three of us, so multiply that by three. And we each take one every day.
CLYDE
Unless we’re sick.
BILL
Right. And when did these budget problems begin?
CLYDE
Says here around 1986. Hey, that’s when we started at the plant!
BILL
Exactly. A Town & Country here, a Sebring there, you think it’s no big deal, but before you know it you’ve taken eight billion dollars’ worth of cars.
CLYDE
But come one, that’s small potatoes. Chrysler’s in the hole for -
He checks the paper.
CLYDE
… eight point six billion dollars.
VERN
Wow. So what you’re saying is that our benefits have been slashed, our friends have been laid off, and now the whole multimillion dollar corporation has gone plooie - all because three guys from the carburetor quality control department happen to enjoy unwinding by driving to the field by the airport and making pictures for the planes out of cars?
BILL
That is what I’m saying.
VERN
Wow.
CLYDE
Huh.
BILL
Makes you think.
Beat. They contemplate. The shift whistle blows. The guys get up and start to exit.
CLYDE
Well, back to work.
BILL
Yeah. Hey Vern, I’ll give you a PT Cruiser for that turkey sandwich.
VERN
Throw in a Sebring and you’ve got a deal.
END.