Category Archives: Lists

This Year’s Crop of Christmas Specials are Kind of Out of Ideas

By melindataub | Published: November 30, 2009
- The Twilight Vampires Save Christmas - Feliz Navidad! From the US Border Patrol - CSI: North Pole - Shlomo, the Loneliest Elf - Your Least Favorite Comedian Stars in an Updated Version of A Christmas Carol - Just An Hour of Toy Commercials - Slippy, the Christmas Fed Ex Slip Directing You to Pick Up Your Package at the [...]
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Things I have googled since starting to teach myself to cook two weeks ago

By melindataub | Published: November 10, 2009
How to make scrambled eggs Should rice foam (answer: yes, especially if you didn’t rinse the dish soap out of the pot) Onion crying Reduce onion cutting pain Onion goggles How to clean mushrooms Do mushrooms always look dirty Pictures of mushrooms Water won’t boil Are chili powder and curry powder different Coconut curry Simple coconut curry Coconut curry for beginners Phone number Ollie’s Noodles
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My pitches for new teen vampire romance novels

By melindataub | Published: November 4, 2009
So because of Twilight, today’s teenage girls are obsessed with vampire novels. A lot of adults mock this trend, because before our twentieth birthdays, we lost the part of our brains that lets us sigh over a male character continually described as impossibly lithe and graceful, with topaz eyes and bronze hair, instead of picturing [...]
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New Halloween urban legends for today’s paranoid parents

By melindataub | Published: October 28, 2009
When I was a kid my parents, like everyone else’s parents, diligently spent hours going over my Halloween candy with a magnifying glass to make sure no one had stuck a needle through my Mars bars. Every parent knew they had to do this because it was an accepted fact that hundreds of kids died [...]
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Selected lines from Bar and Bat Mitzvah speeches from the year 2095

By melindataub | Published: October 27, 2009
Today I am a man. For my parent-designated operators have finally upgraded my hardware to include the phallo-pak 9000 just like I’ve always wanted. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that today I am an android with recently installed male genitalia. Young Jews today face many challenges. A lot of us [...]
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Things I contemplated doing on the subway when I was running late, and whether I ultimately did them

By melindataub | Published: October 26, 2009
Did it Decided against it Eating cupcakes Frosting cupcakes Applying lipstick Brushing teeth (I had this whole plan, see, where I would stick my head in a paper bag and spit in an empty orange juice bottle and no one would be the wiser) Putting hair in bun Spraying hair [...]
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Hit songs on the bear charts

By melindataub | Published: October 10, 2009
Honey Honey If You Like It Then You Should Have Put A Tracking Collar On It (Don’t Matter if You’re) Black or Grizzly When a Bear Eats a Woman Party in the Woods in the USA Oops! I Ripped Open Your Cooler Pandy (by Beary Manilow) I Kissed a Girl Bear My Twitter followers got a sneak peek at this bear content. [...]
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American History Graffiti

By melindataub | Published: October 7, 2009
One time I was walking in SoHo and I saw this piece of graffiti: “Fuck tha Pilgrims.” You tell those seventeenth century Protestants! I would love to know more about who wrote this. I imagine he is a tagger by night, American history graduate student by day. I spent the rest of my shopping trip [...]
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The New York Times has some important information to share about family-run amusement parks

By melindataub | Published: September 24, 2009
The New York Times front page would like you to know: Family-Run Amusement Parks Surviving. “Sure, that is definitely red-hot, front-page-worthy news,” you’re thinking, if you’ve forgotten that the New York Times and Family Amusement Park Quarterly are different publications. I find it a little odd. I’m not the first to point out their tendency [...]
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What I’m atoning for this year

By melindataub | Published: September 21, 2009
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Yes, the High Holy Days are upon us, when good little Jews try to atone for their sins so God will bring them presents. No, wait, it’s so He won’t kill them. Man, we really lucked out holiday-wise when we decided not to make the jump to [...]
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