Selected lines from Bar and Bat Mitzvah speeches from the year 2095
- Today I am a man. For my parent-designated operators have finally upgraded my hardware to include the phallo-pak 9000 just like I’ve always wanted. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that today I am an android with recently installed male genitalia.
- Young Jews today face many challenges. A lot of us in Class Dalet have been wondering about whether it even makes sense to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ever since the Rapture started and our evangelical Christian classmates started ascending bodily into the heavens on columns of light. That would seem to indicate pretty solidly that we bet on the wrong horse, especially since the fiery devil monsters arrived and started dismembering those left on Earth while taunting them as heathens. But it seemed like a waste not to go ahead since I’d already put in all these years of Hebrew school.
- I want to thank everyone who came to share this day with me and my family, especially the temporarily reanimated clones of my family’s ancestors from the Polish shtetl. Try to focus more on my coming of age, guys, and less on the electric lights.
- Today’s Torah portion has important lessons for us today. The story in these verses is about how you shouldn’t stone people to death just for not believing the same thing as you, which I think should really give the fiery devil monsters something to think about.
- I’d like to thank the Zombie Hadassah chapter for providing the after-services buffet, but the rabbi points out that human brains are not kosher, so you may want to go for the bagels my mom ordered.
- Now is the part of the speech when the rabbi asked me to promise that I would continue my religious education after my Bat Mitzvah until confirmation, but since half my Hebrew school class has either been dismembered by devil monsters or turned into zombies, and North America is expected disappear under the rising ocean sometime before the High Holy Days, I think I’ll be spending the time I have left having sex and playing video games, thanks.
- My Bat Mitzvah marks a milestone for our congregation. It’s both the last of the B’nei Mitzvot from Class Dalet and the first Bat Mitzvah held on the space cruiser we used to abandon the Earth to its fiery zombie demise. Next year on a planet with a breathable atmosphere!
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