Author Archives: melindataub

God twitters creation

By melindataub | Published: October 29, 2009
God: Gosh its dark in here. 7 days ago God: There thats better. 7 days ago God: Hey guys im finally on twitter! Whats up? 7 days ago God: guys? 7 days ago God: oh right. i’m the only thing in existence, haha. 7 days ago God: shut up i wasnt talking 2 you RT @Satan I TOO EXIST 7 days ago God: BOOORREEDD with endless void [...]
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New Halloween urban legends for today’s paranoid parents

By melindataub | Published: October 28, 2009
When I was a kid my parents, like everyone else’s parents, diligently spent hours going over my Halloween candy with a magnifying glass to make sure no one had stuck a needle through my Mars bars. Every parent knew they had to do this because it was an accepted fact that hundreds of kids died [...]
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Selected lines from Bar and Bat Mitzvah speeches from the year 2095

By melindataub | Published: October 27, 2009
Today I am a man. For my parent-designated operators have finally upgraded my hardware to include the phallo-pak 9000 just like I’ve always wanted. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that today I am an android with recently installed male genitalia. Young Jews today face many challenges. A lot of us [...]
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Things I contemplated doing on the subway when I was running late, and whether I ultimately did them

By melindataub | Published: October 26, 2009
Did it Decided against it Eating cupcakes Frosting cupcakes Applying lipstick Brushing teeth (I had this whole plan, see, where I would stick my head in a paper bag and spit in an empty orange juice bottle and no one would be the wiser) Putting hair in bun Spraying hair [...]
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Wedding Announcement: Miss Melinda Taub to that guy honking at her in an ‘89 Dodge pickup

By melindataub | Published: October 15, 2009
Melinda wasn’t looking for love that fateful day when she stepped out of her apartment. But love was looking for her, in the form of a 43-year-old man leaning on the horn of a truck with a muffler problem. Late to meet her friends, Melinda was hurrying down the sidewalk when suddenly she heard “Yeah, baby! [...]
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Fighting falling attendance, National Park Service adds cats to all national monuments

By melindataub | Published: October 13, 2009
“Internet does it all the time” says NPS WASHINGTON, DC—The National Park Service announced today that it is raising revenue by augmenting all major national monuments with cats. “We had to do something,” explained Monuments Director Joshua Blumenthal. “With the economy people aren’t traveling as much, and since literally every eighth grade class in the country has [...]
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Hit songs on the bear charts

By melindataub | Published: October 10, 2009
Honey Honey If You Like It Then You Should Have Put A Tracking Collar On It (Don’t Matter if You’re) Black or Grizzly When a Bear Eats a Woman Party in the Woods in the USA Oops! I Ripped Open Your Cooler Pandy (by Beary Manilow) I Kissed a Girl Bear My Twitter followers got a sneak peek at this bear content. [...]
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American History Graffiti

By melindataub | Published: October 7, 2009
One time I was walking in SoHo and I saw this piece of graffiti: “Fuck tha Pilgrims.” You tell those seventeenth century Protestants! I would love to know more about who wrote this. I imagine he is a tagger by night, American history graduate student by day. I spent the rest of my shopping trip [...]
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Amanda, girl reporter.

By melindataub | Published: October 5, 2009
The New York Times, the AP, and Reuters know him as Abu Sharati, the spokesman for Darfuri refugees. Reporters from those publications have all quoted him in their stories on Darfur, including some where he’s thrown his support behind the leader of a rebel faction. The problem: no one aside from those reporters seems to think [...]
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Subway service changes this weekend

By melindataub | Published: October 2, 2009
New York subway service changes can be confusing. The MTA provides this simple, handy guide to help you plan your trip this weekend. The  and will run local this weekend. Because of necessary trackwork the will be running over the line. Because of necessary trackwork the will be running over the line. This [...]
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