Author Archives: melindataub

Diamonds Wow!

By melindataub | Published: January 20, 2010
So as my Twitter followers know, I recently joined an Upright Citizens Brigade video sketchwriting team called Diamonds Wow!. Diamonds Wow! has been hard at work these last few weeks crafting internet funnies for you and yours, and our first video just went live. Written by the hilarious Kevin Hines, I give you Stops Diarrhea, [...]
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The TSA’s new rules governing the last hour of international flights foil Ahmed and Sayed the procrastinating terrorists

By melindataub | Published: December 29, 2009
AHMED The time is nigh! The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign and we may move about the cabin! Now, Sayed, we will retrieve our carry-on luggage from the compartment above us, take out our detonators and explode our gunpowder-filled pants, blowing these infidels to kingdom come! Death to America! SAYED Yes! Death to America! AHMED Death to [...]
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Frequency with which I have checked my luggage over the years

By melindataub | Published: December 17, 2009
A: My American Girl doll gets her own suitcase. Didn’t you read my rider? B: “Ma’am, your checked bag was stolen and the airline isn’t responsible. You’ll just have to wear your brother’s clothes all week. Happy birthday!” C: “Ma’am, you can’t carry on liquids. Especially that fancy conditioner that makes your hair shiny.” D: $15 to charge [...]
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Hogwarts Addresses the Childhood Obesity Epidemic

By melindataub | Published: December 14, 2009
To: All students From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse Parchment re: Student Health All of us on the faculty and staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take seriously our commitment to our students, and we strive to make sure that only three or four of you die a year. But since Voldemort was defeated another problem has [...]
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Zombie Joan Didion Tries to Persuade You to Come Closer so She Can Eat Your Brains

By melindataub | Published: December 7, 2009
We tell ourselves stories in order to live. The princess is caged in the consulate. The lady writer from Sacramento will eat your children’s brains. The shuttle that flew between San Francisco and Los Angeles in 1967 had a large smile painted on the nose. We called it “going on the smile.” In October of 2009 [...]
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This Year’s Crop of Christmas Specials are Kind of Out of Ideas

By melindataub | Published: November 30, 2009
- The Twilight Vampires Save Christmas - Feliz Navidad! From the US Border Patrol - CSI: North Pole - Shlomo, the Loneliest Elf - Your Least Favorite Comedian Stars in an Updated Version of A Christmas Carol - Just An Hour of Toy Commercials - Slippy, the Christmas Fed Ex Slip Directing You to Pick Up Your Package at the [...]
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Things I have googled since starting to teach myself to cook two weeks ago

By melindataub | Published: November 10, 2009
How to make scrambled eggs Should rice foam (answer: yes, especially if you didn’t rinse the dish soap out of the pot) Onion crying Reduce onion cutting pain Onion goggles How to clean mushrooms Do mushrooms always look dirty Pictures of mushrooms Water won’t boil Are chili powder and curry powder different Coconut curry Simple coconut curry Coconut curry for beginners Phone number Ollie’s Noodles
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My pitches for new teen vampire romance novels

By melindataub | Published: November 4, 2009
So because of Twilight, today’s teenage girls are obsessed with vampire novels. A lot of adults mock this trend, because before our twentieth birthdays, we lost the part of our brains that lets us sigh over a male character continually described as impossibly lithe and graceful, with topaz eyes and bronze hair, instead of picturing [...]
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Greetings Twitter people!

By melindataub | Published: October 30, 2009
Welcome to my bloggins. I’m not used to having so many people reading this blog who aren’t my mother, but it’s neat so many people have retweeted the link. Twitter people turn out to be really into jokes about Twitter. Who knew? Please make yourselves at home. Poke around the rest of the site. I make [...]
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God twitters creation

By melindataub | Published: October 29, 2009
God: Gosh its dark in here. 7 days ago God: There thats better. 7 days ago God: Hey guys im finally on twitter! Whats up? 7 days ago God: guys? 7 days ago God: oh right. i’m the only thing in existence, haha. 7 days ago God: shut up i wasnt talking 2 you RT @Satan I TOO EXIST 7 days ago God: BOOORREEDD with endless void [...]
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