Monthly Archives: December 2009

The TSA’s new rules governing the last hour of international flights foil Ahmed and Sayed the procrastinating terrorists

By melindataub | Published: December 29, 2009
AHMED The time is nigh! The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign and we may move about the cabin! Now, Sayed, we will retrieve our carry-on luggage from the compartment above us, take out our detonators and explode our gunpowder-filled pants, blowing these infidels to kingdom come! Death to America! SAYED Yes! Death to America! AHMED Death to [...]
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Frequency with which I have checked my luggage over the years

By melindataub | Published: December 17, 2009
A: My American Girl doll gets her own suitcase. Didn’t you read my rider? B: “Ma’am, your checked bag was stolen and the airline isn’t responsible. You’ll just have to wear your brother’s clothes all week. Happy birthday!” C: “Ma’am, you can’t carry on liquids. Especially that fancy conditioner that makes your hair shiny.” D: $15 to charge [...]
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Hogwarts Addresses the Childhood Obesity Epidemic

By melindataub | Published: December 14, 2009
To: All students From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse Parchment re: Student Health All of us on the faculty and staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take seriously our commitment to our students, and we strive to make sure that only three or four of you die a year. But since Voldemort was defeated another problem has [...]
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Zombie Joan Didion Tries to Persuade You to Come Closer so She Can Eat Your Brains

By melindataub | Published: December 7, 2009
We tell ourselves stories in order to live. The princess is caged in the consulate. The lady writer from Sacramento will eat your children’s brains. The shuttle that flew between San Francisco and Los Angeles in 1967 had a large smile painted on the nose. We called it “going on the smile.” In October of 2009 [...]
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