I can hold them. Hug them. Juggle them. My book finally has its (non-final) physical form!
I should really figure out how to merge this site with my tumblr. Until I do, here’s a couple things I’ve been working on.
I wrote and starred in this Hunger Games commercial parody, directed by Adam Sacks and traumatizing to my family.
I wrote and directed this video for my new beta team, Horse Plus Horse. It’s kind of about my life. But not ALL of it, jeez.
Wife: Here’s your new credit card. It just came in the mail.
Husband: Great. Let me call up a stranger and read him my credit card number and PIN.
Wife: Good idea. That way if you forget, he can remind you.
Husband: Oh, and I’d better conference in an offshore backup stranger in Estonia. Can’t be too careful.
Father (to teenage daughter): We need to talk. I just got off the phone with your principal. She saw a picture of you sitting in the quarterback’s lap drinking Smirnoff Ice wearing nothing but your underwear and a marching band hat.
Teen daughter: What? How did she see that?
Father: It was painted on that hot air balloon you flew over town.
Teen daughter: Why did she look up at it? Stalker.
A dark and stormy night. A ship is tossed in the ink-black waves. An ensign spots a lighthouse blinking on the horizon in morse code.
Ensign: Look, captain! A message from the shore!
Captain: What say they, Ensign?
Ensign: D-O-E-S-N-T T-H-I-S M-O-L-E L-O-O-K L-I-K-E T-I-N-A F-E-Y?
Captain: What mole?
At that moment, an exhausted carrier pigeon fights its way through the howling winds to land exhausted on deck. The ensign unrolls a message taped to its leg and brings it to the captain. It is an extremely detailed charcoal drawing of the mole on the lighthouse master’s thigh.
Captain: A bit, I guess.
Radio DJ: Caller 5, you’re on the air.
Caller: Hi, Dave. I’m a big fan of the show. I just want to let all your listeners know that I’m downtown at Lanagan’s Pub.
DJ: By the train station?
Caller: Exactly. To repeat: I, Jimmy Quigley, am at Lanagan’s, not at home, which, frequent listeners will remember from my previous calls to your show, is at 54 Elm Street and contains a large flat screen TV and several computers.
DJ: And why are you telling us this?
Caller: I’m hoping someone will be impressed by how often I’m at this bar.
Here’s another UCB Comedy video I wrote. This vid will mostly be remembered as the one that started Diamonds, Wow!’s obsession with writing baby goats into everything we produce.
Loving Farms produces old-fashioned animal porn untainted by homosexuality.
I tend to only embed the vids I wrote, because they look so messed up on formatted for this blog. But you should really check out the rest of the Diamonds Wow oeuvre. Caitlin Tegart and Kevin Hines rock my world. And Kevin Hines is a ghostbuster. (Google it.)
Guess who has a new video with Diamonds Wow at UCB Comedy!
Please check out our other videos at UCBComedy.com. As always, this will look better there than pounded into WordPress with a mallet.
I wrote this awhile ago, but never shot it. So here, website. Have a script about the implosion of Chrysler.
Exterior, Chrysler factory, day.
A whistle blows. Three guys in hard hats enter. They sit on a bench to eat lunch. Clyde takes out a newspaper.
Hey, you guys hear the penny finally dropped? Yeah, after years of layoffs, Chrysler’s declaring bankruptcy today.
Ain’t that a hell of a thing. What’s supposed to happen to us, huh? Honest, hardworking guys, the backbone of American manufacturing, who gave the best years of our lives to the Chrysler corporation.
Says here it was a combination of spiraling manufacturing costs and inferior quality of the product.
Spiraling costs? Pshh, that’s crazy. We’re a well oiled machine. And inferior quality like what?
The example they give is the steering on the Town & Country.
Nah, that’s ridiculous. I took a new Town & Country off the assembly line last night, steering was as tight as a drum. Vern, how bout the one you took?
Well, to tell you the truth the steering was looser than I prefer, but the other three I snuck off the assembly line this week steered like a fuckin’ angel dream. Like baby Jesus lived in the suspension.
Ed and the guys get the credit for the stop motion animation. I get the credit for deciding that Gristedes bags are patronizing assholes.
Please check out our other videos at UCBComedy.com. (You can see this video bigger there. I’d recommend it, actually.)
Dear Gmail Customer,
First off, thanks for bearing with us. You’ve had a Gmail account since 2004, which makes you one of our longest users. You stuck with us through the years that Gmail was in beta as we worked out the kinks. We’re sending you this email to let you know how much we appreciate your business, and to request immediate payment of $3,384.55.
We know you must have been wondering all these years why you weren’t getting billed regularly for your Gmail use – you must have realized we weren’t making our money off those little text ads no one reads. Our bad. Gmail grew much faster than expected, and we just couldn’t get the structure in place fast enough to send out regular bills. But now Gmail has been out of beta for almost a year and we’re finally ready to send you monthly bills for your gmail use.
By now you’ve probably noticed that your Gmail account is frozen, and that this is the only email you can open. That won’t be true for long – everything will go back to normal shortly, unless you don’t pay your bill and we delete your account entirely, as well as blocking your access to Google Docs, G Chat, and any site that uses Google AdWords (Knew those would come in handy somehow!). Of course we know how important Google’s services are to the modern surfer, so we’ll make sure you don’t lose all your data from the last six years. We’ll do our best to post the emails and search date you’d least want to lose – sensitive personal emails, passwords, account numbers, that sort of thing – on a public site where you can access it whenever you want. And so can anyone else. Convenient!
We’re aware that this is a lot of money to pay all at once. As always, Google’s philosophy is “Don’t be evil,” so if you don’t feel you can make full immediate payment on the outstanding balance on your Google account, we’d like to offer an alternative. Google will forgive your balance if you agree to be a beta tester in our new initiative, Google Scion. As a Scion participant, your family will have a unique educational opportunity to grant legal custody of one of your children to the Google corporation, to be raised in our new code farm in Mountain View, California. We prefer first-born children (tradition!) but feel free to substitute any younger sibling who’s demonstrated an aptitude for C++.
Thanks again for your business!
So the Oscars are tomorrow, and the feel-good Sandra Bullock film The Blind Side is nominated for Best Picture. This has served me to remind me of something: how weirded out I am by The Blind Side. I haven’t seen it, but every time I saw the trailer it made me uncomfortable and I couldn’t quite figure out why. Finally I realized what it was: The Blind Side is the same movie as My Friend Flicka except with a black child instead of a horse.
Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the trailer screencaps.
Nice blonde lady: Who’s that wild, troubled creature no one can tame?
Why, it’s a black teenager/horse!
No way can you civilize that black teenager/horse!
Shut up, Tim McGraw!
No one better try to take away my black teenager/horse! You hear me, drug dealers/glue factory?
I rest my case.