Dear Gmail Customer,

First off, thanks for bearing with us. You’ve had a Gmail account since 2004, which makes you one of our longest users. You stuck with us through the years that Gmail was in beta as we worked out the kinks. We’re sending you this email to let you know how much we appreciate your business, and to request immediate payment of $3,384.55.

We know you must have been wondering all these years why you weren’t getting billed regularly for your Gmail use – you must have realized we weren’t making our money off those little text ads no one reads. Our bad. Gmail grew much faster than expected, and we just couldn’t get the structure in place fast enough to send out regular bills. But now Gmail has been out of beta for almost a year and we’re finally ready to send you monthly bills for your gmail use.

By now you’ve probably noticed that your Gmail account is frozen, and that this is the only email you can open. That won’t be true for long – everything will go back to normal shortly, unless you don’t pay your bill and we delete your account entirely, as well as blocking your access to Google Docs, G Chat, and any site that uses Google AdWords (Knew those would come in handy somehow!). Of course we know how important Google’s services are to the modern surfer, so we’ll make sure you don’t lose all your data from the last six years. We’ll do our best to post the emails and search date you’d least want to lose – sensitive personal emails, passwords, account numbers, that sort of thing – on a public site where you can access it whenever you want. And so can anyone else. Convenient!

We’re aware that this is a lot of money to pay all at once. As always, Google’s philosophy is “Don’t be evil,” so if you don’t feel you can make full immediate payment on the outstanding balance on your Google account, we’d like to offer an alternative. Google will forgive your balance if you agree to be a beta tester in our new initiative, Google Scion. As a Scion participant, your family will have a unique educational opportunity to grant legal custody of one of your children to the Google corporation, to be raised in our new code farm in Mountain View, California. We prefer first-born children (tradition!) but feel free to substitute any younger sibling who’s demonstrated an aptitude for C++.

Thanks again for your business!

Love,
Google.