Diamonds Wow!

So as my Twitter followers know, I recently joined an Upright Citizens Brigade video sketchwriting team called Diamonds Wow!. Diamonds Wow! has been hard at work these last few weeks crafting internet funnies for you and yours, and our first video just went live. Written by the hilarious Kevin Hines, I give you Stops Diarrhea, Stops Time.

Check back every week for more sketchy goodness at UCBComedy.com.

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The TSA’s new rules governing the last hour of international flights foil Ahmed and Sayed the procrastinating terrorists

AHMED
The time is nigh! The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign and we may move about the cabin! Now, Sayed, we will retrieve our carry-on luggage from the compartment above us, take out our detonators and explode our gunpowder-filled pants, blowing these infidels to kingdom come! Death to America!

SAYED
Yes! Death to America!

AHMED
Death to America!

STEWARDESS
Something to drink?

SAYED
Yes. Could I have some cran-apple juice with a splash of seltzer please?

AHMED

SAYED
Sorry, is it my turn again? Death to America!

AHMED
Sayed, what are you doing? We are supposed to be exploding the plane right now!

SAYED
But I just started drinking my juice.

Read More »

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Frequency with which I have checked my luggage over the years

luggage-graph

A: My American Girl doll gets her own suitcase. Didn’t you read my rider?

B: “Ma’am, your checked bag was stolen and the airline isn’t responsible. You’ll just have to wear your brother’s clothes all week. Happy birthday!”

C: “Ma’am, you can’t carry on liquids. Especially that fancy conditioner that makes your hair shiny.”

D: $15 to charge a $%&*ing bag? Forget it.

E: What is the world coming to.

F: Carrying on my luggage and other people’s to make a point.

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Hogwarts Addresses the Childhood Obesity Epidemic

To: All students
From: Madam Pomfrey, School Nurse
Parchment re: Student Health

All of us on the faculty and staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take seriously our commitment to our students, and we strive to make sure that only three or four of you die a year. But since Voldemort was defeated another problem has been growing in our school—one that is in many ways as insidious as dark magic. This is why we feel we must act quickly and decisively to face the growing problem of obesity among our students.

We hope you children will not take this as a personal attack. It is not your fault that so many of you have developed heart arrythmias; on the contrary, we adults should have had the forethought to realize that your schedules would involve much less aerobic activity when you no longer had to regularly outrun a giant snake who lived in the walls. Dodging death curses also turns out to be wonderful for increasing agility. Alas, Dark Magic has been outlawed, and St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies has not yet developed a treatment for juvenile diabetes, so we will just have to take other measures to get fit.

Hogwarts’ Get Fit Get Fun Program!
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Zombie Joan Didion Tries to Persuade You to Come Closer so She Can Eat Your Brains

We tell ourselves stories in order to live. The princess is caged in the consulate. The lady writer from Sacramento will eat your children’s brains. The shuttle that flew between San Francisco and Los Angeles in 1967 had a large smile painted on the nose. We called it “going on the smile.”

In October of 2009 I experienced what might be deemed a social affliction—common, I believe, in those who share with me a sensitivity to the changing currents of our culture and an infected zombie bite. Symptoms of this malaise include a vague sense of unease about the times we live in; an intense hunger for human flesh; and a preoccupation with narrative.

Understand that I am not saying that these symptoms persist. In fact if you step closer I will not only demonstrate my lack of interest in your grey matter but will also offer some cultural commentary that will make you consider California in a new light.

The question of self-pity.

I wrote those words in my journal more than once these past few months, wrote them whenever others, like you, refused to come closer and kept their rifles aimed at my head.  It’s difficult not to sink into self-pity when no one believes you that you are not a zombie anymore and just want to give their head a hug.  “Patient reveals an acute persecution complex and sense of alienation,” my therapist wrote in the period before I ate him.

That is, before he was consumed by the uncertainty of the times. Metaphorically.

In fact I, despite my jaundiced complexion, no longer crave brains. In fact I no longer crave any part of the human body, however succulent. In fact my current seat amongst the remains of your neighbor is entirely coincidental. An attempt to impose a narrative link between the two unrelated facts of his death and the layer of his blood coating my arms would be tempting but false.

Oh, I have some on my face too? Do you have a napkin or something?

No, I am as entirely human as I was when I wrote Slouching Towards Bethlehem. I know the cure for zombieism and I would love to tell you it.

But I need to whisper it in your ear. So come closer.

Closer.

There is something finally very moving about the scent of your cerebrospinal fluid.

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This Year’s Crop of Christmas Specials are Kind of Out of Ideas

- The Twilight Vampires Save Christmas

- Feliz Navidad! From the US Border Patrol

- CSI: North Pole

- Shlomo, the Loneliest Elf

- Your Least Favorite Comedian Stars in an Updated Version of A Christmas Carol

- Just An Hour of Toy Commercials

- Slippy, the Christmas Fed Ex Slip Directing You to Pick Up Your Package at the Regional Service Center

- A Dancing Menorah or Some Such Jew Thing

- Are Muslims A Big Enough Market that We Need to Make The Kitten That Saved Eid? No? OK, Then A Rerun of A Christmas Story

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Things I have googled since starting to teach myself to cook two weeks ago

How to make scrambled eggs

Should rice foam (answer: yes, especially if you didn’t rinse the dish soap out of the pot)

Onion crying

Reduce onion cutting pain

Onion goggles

How to clean mushrooms

Do mushrooms always look dirty

Pictures of mushrooms

Water won’t boil

Are chili powder and curry powder different

Coconut curry

Simple coconut curry

Coconut curry for beginners

Phone number Ollie’s Noodles

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My pitches for new teen vampire romance novels

So because of Twilight, today’s teenage girls are obsessed with vampire novels. A lot of adults mock this trend, because before our twentieth birthdays, we lost the part of our brains that lets us sigh over a male character continually described as impossibly lithe and graceful, with topaz eyes and bronze hair, instead of picturing said character as a cross between Carrot Top and a jaundiced ballerina.

But I have no problem with vampire romances. In fact, this is a gravy train I want to get onboard. All I have to do is find a new angle on glamorous dead teenagers and I’ll get a book deal. But finding a new angle turns out to be hard. The market is pretty saturated. There are already three series of vampire prep school novels, a vampire-in-LA novel, and an Upper-East-Side-vampire series, and a vampire circus series. There was even a vampire procedural TV show. But I had an idea for the best series of vampire novels ever. Ready?

Vampire Beach.

This idea has everything going for it. Sexy vampires, an exotic location, an inherent tension between the vampires and the lifeguards who are like “You can’t swim at night, we’re not insured for that,” but that stands in the way of the vampires’ moonbathing and drinking dolphin blood and it turns into an epic war between ripped, sun-bronzed lifeguards who rule the beach during the day and the pale, lithe, bronze-haired vampires who take over when the sun goes down, and then a vampire falls in love with a lifeguard. Coming to a young adult section near you: RED TIDE, by Melinda Taub.

This idea has everything: sexy lifeguards, sexy vampires, dolphins in peril, and it’s so ridiculous that no one could possibly have thought of it already. There’s only one problem: somebody thought of it already.

Are you kidding me?

Anyway, I’m a pro. I bring lots of great ideas to the table. Here are some more vampire novel pitches that definitely haven’t been done. Yet. I don’t think.

Read More »

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Greetings Twitter people!

Welcome to my bloggins. I’m not used to having so many people reading this blog who aren’t my mother, but it’s neat so many people have retweeted the link. Twitter people turn out to be really into jokes about Twitter. Who knew?

Please make yourselves at home. Poke around the rest of the site. I make fun of lots of things that aren’t the internet. For example:

Halloween parental paranoia.

Roman Polanski apologists.

Work emails.

And many more! By this time tomorrow I plan to have made fun of vampires and people who live in Brooklyn, so stick around.

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God twitters creation

God: Gosh its dark in here.
7 days ago

God: There thats better.
7 days ago

God: Hey guys im finally on twitter! Whats up?
7 days ago

God: guys?
7 days ago

God: oh right. i’m the only thing in existence, haha.
7 days ago

God: shut up i wasnt talking 2 you RT @Satan I TOO EXIST
7 days ago

God: BOOORREEDD with endless void gonna make some stuff
7 days ago

Read More »

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